Hi
i'm all very new to this. i am just 30 and am currently going through a divorce. i was with my husband for 9 years and then we married just last year. all was fine (so i thought) - we'd talked about kids, even made plans, bought our 2nd house - a family home - together in the last 6 months. all going great.

2 months ago he then announced he never wanted kids, didn't want to be married to me and didn't love me anymore, citing that he'd "tried" at our marriage and that it was now over. this was literally all out of the blue. he wanted some space, so i left and stayed at my parents' house for a week. he never contacted me - the first time in 10 years - and when i returned, he moved out.

i have since discovered that he invited another woman back to our house when i was away during that period, yet still doesn't admit adultery, although a mutal friend said they were becoming very friendly that evening. this all came out after a huge web of lies were uncovered. i'm at home in the house - very lonely, desperate to leave to return to where my family is (200 miles away) but can't due to the huge mortgage (which he;s thankfully paying 1/2 of) and job comittments. i feel i've been very strong but craks are starting to show and would really appreciate some support from others who are / have gone through this.

i feel mortified that we were married only a year - that everything i've ever beloieved is all a lie. i gave my life to this man and he treated me like a fling / girlfriend he could just 'dump' when he was bored. why marry someone? why get up in front of all our friends and family and declare a love that will only be shattered in 12 months time? i feel i could never get marreid again. in my head 2 months ago, i was pregant next year - will this ever happen now? i've met someone else, had a fling, but am so scared that i'll get hurt or, worse, attached and then really hurt, i'm keeping my distance well and truly. how does trust ever return?

i'm sorry if this is weird / a rant - i just need some advice from someone - all my friends are couples and i can;t speak to them about this

thanks so much xx

Oh honey ((((HUGS))))) I'm so sorry to hear what has happened.  It's a horrible horrible thing to go through and I can feel every bit of your pain.  You're still in the very early stages, it's quite common to go through a phase of utter shock and disbelief, it's totally natural  so just try and go with it.  Cry when you need to cry, it's not good to bottle it up.  Even though your family are not local are you close to them?  Are you able to turn to them to let it all out whenever you need to?  Is there any way one of them can come and stay with you for a while?  It must be awful being in the house alone and with no-one nearby to comfort you. 

I'm in a similar position, my husband left around 2 months ago after 8 years together, 5 years of marriage and 2 young children.  I'm also still in 'our' house although I'm paying the mortgage alone as he refuses to pay anything other than maintenance.  Luckily though I can survive, although not sure what's going to happen in the long term in terms of the house.  Although it's hard being left with 2 small children it's good because they're here with me so I'm never lonely and I have something to concentrate on.   I think I'd find it harder if I was alone, too much time to think over things I suppose.  I imagine that's what you're finding...?

Sometimes you need to reach the bottom before you can start climbing your way back up again.  It will come, things will be good again, you'll move on and be a happier and stronger person for it.  The future's bright so don't worry about that, it will come given time, just concentrate on the present and take it in small steps.

Let it all out sweetie, you're absolutely right to feel angry especially with it all being so out of the blue.  So many questions unanswered.  Come and chat when you're feeling low, there's always someone to listen.

 

   

Hi there and welcome to the board,

I'm so sorry that you've found yourself in this situation.

OK,first things first,no more flings until your head is in a better place and you're able to cope.You need to allow yourself the time to grieve the end of your marriage and having a fling just won't help.You'll just end up feeling hurt and confused lovey.

It takes time,it won't happen overnight and you'll have good days and bad.As time goes on you'll find that the good days outnumber the bad.Don't be hard on yourself,don't beat yourself up.You haven't failed,you've been badly let down and had your heart broken.

I know that at this time you feel like you'll never trust again and would never marry again but one day,when you're ready,you'll feel differently.

Think of it this way,a more positive way - you are now not going to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't deserve your love.You don't have to lay awake at night wondering what he's been up to or if he's being unfaithful because it looks like that's the way it was going,if it hadn't already...

You're now free to make a new start,your new life starts now and you will move forward when you're good and ready...but there's no rush right now.

I know that you're sad about not having any children with him,as planned,but look at it this way...It would be sooo much harder if you had.You'd always have a link with him,always have to see him.This way,being the spring chicken that you are,you are free to meet someone who deserves your love and will treat you like a princess and have the family you wanted and you will look back on this time and it won't hurt - I promise...

CL on Moving On After Separation

Co CL on Separation And Divorce

Co CL on Trying For A Baby

 

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Thank you so much for your kind words. it's so lovely that there's someone out there - really comforting.

you're completely right about the flings - i think i needed to feel attractive and that i've "still got it" (whatever "it" might be!), but i need to be confident on my own for once in my life.

i've never been by myself - always had a boyfriend etc when growing up - now i'm by myself for the first time i suppose it's time to find out who i am. any ideas how the bloody hell i can do that? :) it'll take time. i know that! you guys are giving me confidence that i'm not alone - it's happened to others and is happening (unfortunately) all the time. you guys seem to cope. i can then, can;t i?

thanks sooo much for being so lovely xxx

It's so good to hear you sounding more positive!

I love Suzy's way of looking at it - you won't have to live life loving someone who doesn't appreciate or deserve it.  You can live life to the full and save that love for someone worthy of it and who will give it back to you.

I know what you mean about being alone, I'd been with my ex since I was just turned 18, I'm now 26.  I've never been an adult on my own and here I am alone and with two children depending on me.  But you know what?  I feel empowered, each little step I take (stupid things like putting the gas & elec bills in my own name!!) makes me feel stronger and more in control.  I'm sure you will feel that soon.  Just be gentle on yourself, take good care of yourself and make the most of doing what YOU want to do.  You don't have anyone to answer to anymore, remember?  If you want to spend the day lying on the sofa watching DVDs, do it.  Do whatever it takes and you'll soon find your feet again.

You're right, we're not alone, we all deserve better and we'll all get there...