Hi - well I never thought I'd be here! I have been with ivillage for the pregnancies and births of my 3 kids - eldest is 9 now and youngest is 4 with a 6 yr old in between! Now I am in a relationship dilemma. All me and dh do is bicker, I feel I don't love him at all - everything he does annoys me. I don't lust after him even though he looks fantastic as he gets older and I am looking rather worse for wear. I can't explain why I don't fancy him - if anything when he touches me it repulses me. I guess it is becuase I dislike him so much as a person. He is controlling and condescending. He is brilliant with other people, incredibly intelligent, helps loadsof people out but is horrible to me. he is a crap father who does nothing with his kids - he does help out with childcare at times but sticks tv on for them and gets on with his work. He never helps with bed times/ bathtimes/ taking or picking up of kids from clubs. If we go on family days out he wants to get home soon and just sits away from us all and checks his emails. He monas at the kids constantly too.

I feel like I am a single mum but am also so scared of taking thta plunge. I have a part time job and have no where to go and can't afford anywhere. we do not own a house and the house we live in is for his job so I can't kick him out!

If I talk to him about it he is vey unforgiving and would kick me out if I mention I didn't love him! He is also incredibly good at turning it all round to being my fault and wil say how much he does for us all. I know as this has happened before.

Not sure wheter to perservere or not. I have a very comfortable life with him financially and I do worry about effects on kids and how I would cope on my little salary which couldn't even get us a one bed flat!

Any thoughts?

PGx

Hi there

I thought I recognised your name - we used to post together on the MC August 05 board!

I could have written the first paragraph of your post myself a couple of months ago.  I was also in a totally loveless relationship, my husband talked down to me constantly and treated me horribly.  We're no longer together. 

It's your decision completely.  Just don't let finances make you stay.  You will get financial help and if you approach your Local Authority they would be able to advise you on housing. 

As for your children, my youngest is not even 5 months old, he was 3 months when XH left.  I obviously feel incredibly awful that he will grow up without his father, but he'll know no differently (sad as that is).  Our 4 year old has a good relationship still with her father, and I've had problems with her behaviour recently so I know this has hit her hard.  But, looking into the future, she now lives in a far far happier house than she ever has.  I can be in control, strong and dependant, and happy, and I want her to get to know that side of me rather than the downtrodden side she used to see. 

Good luck with whatever you decide.  We're here for you...

 

   

Hi there, for a moment there I thought I was reading about myself. My situation is almost identical to yours, I too am desperate to end my marriage as we no longer have anything in common.

All the love has gone, on my part anyway. But I feel incredibly guilty because I would be tearing my kids away from the only home they have ever known. I feel awful as christmas approaches because I know what to expect and that is my husband out in the pub till late xmas eve whilst I am organising presents etc. He'll come home very drunk around midnight and carry on drinking. On christmas day when he gets up the telly goes on and minimal interest is shown in the children. In fact on the evening me and the children sit in the kitchen playing board games as he will be sat watching t.v. and we may make too much noise. I have practically begged him to join in with us over the years but to no avail. All christmas means to him is food and drink in abundance. (his drinking is by no means limited to christmas)

 Needless to say I am dreading it and can no longer enjoy the run up to it but have to put on a brave face for the childrens sake.

He uses the excuse that he is not a 'family man', what is that supposed to mean. If you choose to have kids surely that makes you a family man and would be like me saying I am not a mother.

This is just a small part of how he makes me feel, and I know I have finally come to the end of the road with him but taking those first steps is proving very difficult. Although I am waiting for an appointment to see a relate cousellor on my own to talk things through so I am hoping this will help me make a decision. If you would like I could let you know how I get on at relate as it may be something you could consider doing.

Sorry I can't offer you any advice at the moment.

Hi everyone,

I want to echo what all you girls have said, and say WTG abigailsmum for leaving!! I too am in a loveless marriage, we have 2 beautiful kids, our DD (7yrs) and DS (18mths), and I think every single day what am I gonna do, is my marriage over, should I leave him? From reading your stories it seems I am in a similar situation. My H talks down to me and the kids, he speaks to them like crap, and I feel we are all walking on eggshells around him wondering what will set him off next. I feel downtrodden and miserable most days. I feel like I dont love him anymore, in fact I feel totally shut down to him emotionally, I have little to no interest in what he says or does anymore. Similar to you smiley, my H has always said he is not a 'sociable person', well how can u not be sociable in a family? I AM a sociable person, and this gap is becoming a gaping hole, I want to go and do things as a family, but he has no interest in that, he'd rather stay at home with his computer. This is proven perfectly in that I booked a holiday for us all to go on as a family, I think in my mind it was a last chance saloon thing, to see how things would go while on holiday between us, but he didnt even want to come on this, so instead Im going with my best mate, and I cant wait! lol
Where you said, smiley, that you and the kids have to go in another room cus you are too noisy, well thats kinda the same here. I had a friend over the other night for a drink and a gossip, and instead off sitting with us, he just put on the wrestling (lol) and turned the tv up cus he couldnt hear it over us, he made me and my friend feel uncomfortable, so in the end we went out. I feel he is driving me away, but again I dont want to separate my kids from their father. But I KNOW we would be happier without him. Right now, its just the convenience of a live-in babysitter thats stopping me, lol.
I think I might take leaf out of yur book smiley and speak to relate before I decide what to do.

VV

Vexed Vixen, your story totally mirrors mine hun (((HUGS)))  Your H sounds similar to my XH.  I used to spend every day wondering how much longer we could carry on like this, would we still be together by Christmas etc etc.  I knew every single day that he didn't love me.  It was torture.  I remember my DD's birthday back in August and we had a row (not in front of DD, and not even a big row, just a falling out as usual) and I sat there crying wishing there was a way out.  And I was so angry.... it was my daughter's birthday and I was crying over her useless father.

I hope you manage to sort things out, whether that means leaving or putting things right and staying.  You don't owe it to your kids to stay with their father.  You owe it to them to let them see the best of their mother and the best of their father, however you manage to achieve that.

If you need to talk I'm here.