Hi Everyone,

I've been lurking for while and feel like i could do with some support from people who understand. I've never been good at asking for help/support and don't like to intrude into my friends' lives too much.
I'm not really sure where to start but I'll do my best.
I've been involved with my husband/ex husband for twenty years and were a couple throughout my adult life (I'm 37). Three years ago he broke my heart and told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore and "wanted out" of our relationship. I knew that we'd been having some problems since our daughter was born in June 05 but never thought that we wouldn't be able to overcome them and so it was a huge shock to be dumped. I was absolutely devastated because he was the centre of my universe along with my daughter. I decided that my daughter and i would leave our marital home for practical reasons and eventually did this in March 07 once house was sorted out etc. We pretty much continued as a couple who were living separately right up until August that year when he started going out with a woman 11 years our senior. I was completely devastated yet again as it felt like being dumped all over again. I somehow remained a friend to him throughout this relationship and provided a shoulder to cry on and a sounding board when necessary. She was never happy about the relationship we continued to have and, to be honest i didn't blame her for that. He broke up with her in the November and we got back together although continued to live separately. This relationship continued up until 30th June this year when he dumped me again saying that he couldn't continue to hurt me the way he was. We had a very emotional heart to heart when he swore there was nobody else involved and nobody else in the sidelines and he was going to spend time being single because he's never really been single. I was heart broken but struggled to carry on as best i could for my daughter to enable her to spend as much time with both of us as possible.
On 17th September he announced to be that the older woman was back on the scene and they were getting together the following week and taking it from there. I felt as if my insides had been ripped out and trampled on and basically still do. Although we were split up before he got with her i still feel so betrayed and hurt and rejected. I'm struggling to cope with it all and I can barely even look at him these days which isn't ideal as we have our daughter to consider. I feel so angry towards his lady friend too even tho she hasn't actually done anything to me. I know that's irrational but I can't help it. I feel so hurt and alone and i just want the hurting to stop. I want to move on with my life but don't know how.
Sorry I've rambled for so long. I would be really grateful for any advice anybody can give me.

S

Hi

You may not like what I am going to say to you but here goes. This man is not worth the effort and pain. He has selfishly disregarded your feelings and your daughters happiness for his own ego. How can he respect you if he parades his new woman in and out of your life. Honey try to find deep inside your self the strength to say no more. It is there - I promise you - you will find it along with your self respect, and then you can begin to start a new life with your daughter. Always remember she will not always be a child. One day , and trust me the years fly by, she will be a young woman with her own opinions. You must not let your ex treat you like a doormat. What sort of example will that be for her in the future. Set some guidelines for time together, but you must be in charge of times and places etc .  Dont try and play happy family just for the sake of your daughter because while you are doing this your life goes by. You only get one shot at life. When its gone its gone and you can never get it back.  If he wants this other woman let him. It sounds to me that as she is older she is a bit wiser and maybe she is calling the tune so to speak, and so he comes back to you when he gets the cold shoulder from her. Don't let him do this. I know a clean break is and will be hard but it the only way forward for you. You deserve better. you deserve a life in which you can be happy, content and fulfilled. This man will never give it to you, so get out now while you are still young and do not look back.

My very best wishes to you and your daughter. Good Luck.

Rosemariee

Hi,
Thanks so much for your reply. Believe it or not I totally agree with what you're saying and I know that I've been a doormat over the past few years. I decided how the access/contact with my daughter was going to work and told him that this was how it was going to be and that I was not lying down and letting him walk all over me any longer. Basically told him that he couldn't have his cake and eat it and if he didn't like it then tough! That was a few weeks ago and it didn't really go down very well but too bad - he accepted it because he knew he had no choice. I also told him that I was not prepared to listen to anything about his relationship whatsoever. I actually felt quite proud of myself for having the strength to do that and for sticking to my guns. I just wish i could hold on to that feeling of empowerment and strength. Still, I suppose it's normal for my emotions to be up and down like a roller coaster.
I'm still struggling with my emotions on a regular basis and wish that I knew how to move on. How do I hold onto that strength when I catch glimpses of it? How do I let go of the hurt and pain and stop thinking about how it SHOULD be? How do I find my self respect again? I guess I just wish I could find a magic wand and wave it to project me forward to a place where I've rebuilt my life and am happy again and able to show my daughter that we can have a great life with just the two of us. I know that's not possible and that I need to work through stuff to get to that point. Any tips on how to do it would be very much appreciated.

S

Hi,

I was told at the beginning of my separation that it would take me 4 to 41/2 years to get my life how I wanted it, wow I was shocked at the time. That was 20 months ago and yes they were probably right, I have come a long way, but still have so much more to achieve for myself and my daughters.  The less contact you have with him the stronger you will grow. Allow yourself time to greive and rant and rave but also clear your home of his things and try rearranging the furniture, pictures etc it will feel more like your home and buy your fav flowers  - eat the food he hated that you liked etc, not to spite him but to regain a sense of who you are and build on that, one day at time. You will get there, I did, my girls did, and I know it'll keep getting better. I read your post before and hoped someone else would tell you that you should not waste another moment on this man, look ahead when you are ready and don't turn back. Then later you can tell someone else how you did fine in the end.GL  

Hi

I am really glad that you can begin to feel empowerment and strength, and did the things which you knew deep down had to be done without anybody's advice really.

 There is no magic wand ever to make things instantly how you want them to be. It will take time, but in the end, and nobody can know how long that will be, you will emerge from this a stronger and happier person than you were before.  It does sound like a cliche, but it is true. You say feel better away from him, I think this just proves that he has behaved so badly that he is not worth it, so keep your distance. I think you will find that once he has accepted that you are no longer going to tolerate his behaviour he will stop trying to involve you in his "other"  love life.

Perhaps you could say a little mantra to yourself everynight or when you feel calm - I deserve love , affection, and respect, for me and my daughter ( say her name). 

Accept any help,  or invites out from friends and family and start to build your own circle of friends, on your terms. I think before you know it you will begin to lift your head up and take the rocks out of your heart, one by one until they have gone.

Best wishes

Rosemariee