28 year old guy needs some advice on what to do.

I have been married for 5 years and have two young children, a boy of 2 and a 4 month old daughter. My wife has always been a little controlling but nothing too bad really, we got married within 8 months of getting together and waited almost 3 years before having our first child.

We do argue at times, not always but when we do they often descend into really nasty ones in which we end up hurting each other, we have had a couple of big arguments in front of the kids which we have both hated doing really.

For a year or so I have been thinking things aren’t really right between us, I know she thinks the same. She always makes comments like ‘oh well if we split up then...’ which I think are half joking half serious.

Recently I have become drained by the bickering between us and it came to a head for me a week or so ago. My best friend lives abroad, he comes home roughly twice a year and he was home and asked if I wanted to go out. Despite her saying she was fine with it she had the biggest go at me and then hardly spoke to me for days because I felt hungover the next day. I wouldn’t mind but I still got up in the morning with my son like I would have anyway.

I think I’m a good father, I work 3 days in a full time job, and spend the rest of my work time (and a couple of evenings) setting up a new business which is really starting to pay off. I spend my entire weekends with the family (no work even though it means I do have to work a couple of nights to catch up). I still get up every other night with my daughter for bottle feeds (we have always taken it in turns with both kids, 1 night on, 1 night off). I also make it home for tea with my son every night and bath him almost every night and stay with him until he goes to bed.

I go out for a drink without her roughly once every 2 – 3 months, I stopped the going out every weekend thing years ago.

If my wife every wants to go out or do anything I encourage her but don’t get this back.
We argue about money, my work, when I say I’m going out (which is hardly ever), it feels more like we are just living together than anything else.

I have been asking myself a lot ‘would I still be here if we didn’t have kids?’ and I don’t think I would be, also I don’t really think she would be either.

If we did split up I would want, and get the kids, half of the time, I do think I could cope with it all, I would also give her a good maintenance more for the kids than anything else as I wouldn’t want them going without. I know she wouldn't use the kids against me, or expose them to any nastyness just liek I wouldn't, the kids are both our primary focus.

Part of me thinks stick it out for the kids, the other part of me thinks if we are going to split up then we should do it sooner rather than later when the kids are still young enough not to be too badly affected by it all. I have a big fear that I will get another 5 – 10 years down the line and wish I had made the split sooner.

I have considered counselling but I keep telling myself that if we went to speak to someone about it to try and save our marriage, is this what I really want? What’s the point in doing something like that if I don’t want to stay in the relationship?

Very confused and looking for anyone who has been in a similar situation...

Hi there,

It's a really really tough decision, and one that only you can make. 

I have been in a similar situation recently.  My daughter is 4 and my son is 5 months.  My ex moved out 2 months ago, when our son was 3 months - a similar age to yours.  Our situation is different to yours though as I have the children living with me, and he comes to see them once a week/fortnight.  He wants to start having our daughter overnight once a fortnight, which I'm happy with, although it's far more tricky with our son because he's breastfed and so totally dependent on me. 

I have to say you sound like a really devoted father, which is obviously great.  I know my husband has made himself look bad to a lot of people we know, and I wonder whether people would think differently if he had shared residence.

Personally I would advise you to try marriage counselling.  Just to see whether there's anything there worth salvaging.  You loved your wife once, is there really nothing you can do to get that back.

I do agree that the younger the kids are, the easier it is for them.  Obviously your daughter would know no different, she's a similar age to my son.  My daughter is 4 though and is painfully aware of the different situation we now live in, and at times it's heartbreaking.  I feel hopeful for the future because she now lives in a far happier household than she did before.  Children learn about relationships from what they see between their parents, I know I wouldn't want her going through what I did.

I wish there was a right answer, but sadly it doesn't seem that there is.  Think about it long and hard before you decide either way. 

Come back if you need to chat.

 

   

Hi,

I hear what you are saying and I think you're doing a far better job than many males as a husband and father, you have made changes to your life and sacrifices for the family and child raising. However, I think there are some things that you could do/know about that need doing before you end the marraige.

Firstly, your wife has had two babies close together and no matter how 'good' a father you are some women will feel/be exhausted, resentful, depressed, trapped at home, lonely, feeling guilty for having these feelings. We females are very good at keeping score and building up resentment towards our partner, (who has no idea what he has done wrong!) and it'll all come out one day. eg, you going out with your friend visiting from overseas (I've had this one in the past!! many a time) in general in this situation she 'allows' you to go out for the evening, so off you go and have a great night out and as ever drink too much (your limit has reduced since your single days!!), woops, no worries you'll still get up in the morning and help with the kids. So what's the big deal, she is welcome to go out too if she wants (funny how she never seems to). What she wants is something like this, your friend first has a meal at your place with your famliy (preferrably cooked by you with your friends help!) to allow your wife to feel included and respected, and she has a glass of wine while you cook. Then you blokes disappear to the pub, as agreed she puts the babies to bed and relaxes. You do not drink more than two drinks at teh pub cos you know that any more will give you a hangover, so the next morning she does not have to resent your headache and sluggish attitude and you do not then disappear after lunch for a nap. I'm not saying this is how it goes in your house but do you get the point? I would recommend that you read Men are from Mars and Women from Venus and any other similar books. Men and women are so different and our needs/wants and styles of communication are poles apart. Get the book/s and educate yourself  - you seem to have pasted the half way make at being a supportive husband and a hands on father, but I think a bit of new knowledge could help save the marriage and grow together, she also needs to study what motivates a man to help her and listen to her etc.

I'd say try this, plus some marriage counselling for a period of time (choose a limit in your mind say 12 months) and if things are not looking better by then for other reasons beyond help then you'll know you did everything you possibly could and will have learnt more about how women's minds work too. Good Luck 

Hi there and welcome to the board,

The one thing I noticed about your post was that you didn't mention the two of you going out together and spending time as a couple.Do you make the time and effort to do that?You have young children and although it can be very hard to make the time and babysitters may be a problem,I think that it's very important to make that time to have a night out together,as a couple,without the kids in tow.

You may be happy to go out on your own and yes,it's nice to do that now and again,but it's also more important to have time out together.I have four children and me and my DF go out together every week even if it's just for an hour or two.

Sometimes,if you're not careful,when you have young children,family life can take over and the relationship can suffer if you aren't prepared to put the effort in,which tbh,it sounds like you're not if you're thinking about walking away without thinking Relate aren't worth a go.I would suggest that would be your first step tbh.Well worthwhile....

Is there any indication that your DW maybe suffering from post natal depression seen as it was only a few months since she had a baby.It's not always easily detected.

I think you need to talk before you decide to walk away but really,by the sound of your post with you saying you've already thought about access,maintenance,not thinking Relate is worth a shot,I think you're half way there to having already made that decision which is a shame seen as the children are so young and it's just the falling out and not someone cheating etc that's the problem.

Having young children does put a strain on a relationship,it's up to you to decide if you're in for the long haul or happy to just walk away without giving it your best shot.

CL on Moving On After Separation

Co CL on Separation And Divorce

Co CL on Trying For A Baby

 

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