Hi

My friend/work colleague of a few years annouced to me a year ago that she was having an affair with one of our managers who is married with young kids.

Since then I've seen her progressively become more anxious/depressed and needy.  I told her when she first let slip about the affair to cease it immediately for her own sake having had had a bad experience with a MM several years ago myself and I told her that I would be loathed to see her end up the way I did.  She's still seeing him despite the fact that  he treats her like poo when they work together, he gets a strop on when she uses facebook, etc and doesnt like her talking to other men. She seems to live in hope that he will divorce his wife (who apparently has no time for him, etc etc) and they will have a family together.

I'm getting to the point where I am going to lose my rag with her completely because I am sick and tired of her going on about this man who is the last sort of person she should be with as he and the situation they are in is turning her into a wreck.  Whenever she and i talk he always crops up in conversation and she's convinced that he's having affairs with other women we work with. He had an affair with another female colleague years ago.  I dont trust him at all but she's obsessed.

She's come to me for advice about him numerous times and whatever ive told her she's done the opposite.  for instance i told her to go away this weekend away from him to get some space and think long and hard about what she's doing so she's going for a meal with him instead.  Im getting to the stage where i think she's using me as she's admitted herself, she's got no other people to talk to about it other than me. She's starting to get me down.

Rant over

This is a tricky one isn't it. You want to be supportive for your friends, but it's hard when you see her not taking your good advice. Now her depression is starting to upset you.

First of all, no matter how right we are (or think we are) we can give advice, but we can't force anyone to take it. Your friend is a grown woman and has the right to make her own decisions, however misguided and harmful you may feel they are. That's life I'm afraid.

I can see also though, how her depression is really getting you down. It seems she's doing nothing but offloading on you and you can see no end to it. I bet the positive aspects of the friendship have started to dwindle too haven't they? So, should you carry on and be supportive through thick and thin, or should you call a halt to things now? Well, I think it boils down to how strong a friendship this is in the first place.

Perhaps sitting her down and kindly but firmly, explaining how difficult it is for you to be supportive when you so whole-heartedly disagree with the situation she is in is the way to go. You can say your piece (once and for all), and once you've explained how difficult it is for you to counsel her about the troubles she has with this man, that you really can't hear it any more. She may decide after this that she doesn't want to be your friend (that's the risk you take) but I can see that if this situation continues for much longer unchallenged, you could end up losing your rag with her which won't do either of you any good. You'll say things you will never be able to take back and the friendship will be soured any way.

I hope you manage to come to a solution which you find acceptable.

CL on Overcoming Friendship Problems
Co-CL on Weight Watchers

Thanks for the reply.  It's a difficult one hence me posting a message. 

We work closely together so if I get to the stage where i lose it with her, it will make things very awkward at work which would be a shame as we work together rather well as a team.

She has let me down on numerous occassions when  we' ve planned to do stuff away from work and she cancels at the last minute because he's free to meet up with her.  Her whole life revolves around someone who strictly speaking isnt hers and i find her situation with him uncomfortable.  She often tells me they argue because they both are insanely jealous of each other speaking to the opposite sex and he is critical of the way she dresses.  I find it so hard to keep my mouth shut.  It's difficult for me as I can count the number of friends ive had in my life on one hand and i dont want to lose her friendship as i have shared so many things about myself with her but she is so heavy duty at times, its mentally draining and i take that home with me.

I'll always be there for her but ive told her so many times what to do and i dont want to be the one who has to say "told u so" when it does go wrong and im sure it will because of how volatile the relationship they have is.

Thanks again

I see what you mean. It does sound however that you are putting up with an awful lot more that you are (or indeed anyone else would be) comfortable with, just in order to keep a friendship with someone who is really "draining you". Is this friendship (such as it is) really worth it? It sounds like being friends with this woman is bringing you more unhappiness than pleasure. Can you remember the last time you spent time with her and came away feeling good?

OK, so you can't cut her off completely (because you work together) but I'm thinking then that if there's no way to turn her constant problems off, that you try to 'tune it out'? If you can develop some sort of emotional detachment to her constant woes then you may find that you won't "find it so hard to keep my mouth shut". That way you can remain cordial at work, but won't feel like you have to give her advice any more, because you won't feel so emotionally invested in the situation.

If I'm honest, this doesn't sound like a friendship any more. She's letting you down, off-loading on you and generally taking a whole lot more than she is giving. Does she in fact give anything at all, I wonder?

CL on Overcoming Friendship Problems
Co-CL on Weight Watchers

The "relationship" is a bit one sided i have to admit.

I can honestly say that i've not left her feeling upbeat for ages. I'm usually completely p*ssed off because of the cr*p she comes out with regarding the bloke she's involved with and how she's feeling. She just thinks that she can tell me stuff because i was in a similar predicament to her many moons ago and that i don't mind, but i do. I'd love to tell her how selfish and foolish she is but i haven't got the heart too.

We do get on well together most of the time, its just her neediness that i dont know what to deal with. I'm also expected to spy on the mm she's seeing to make sure he's not chatting up other girls in the office or calling his wife.

Thanks ever so much for your sound advice - im considering distancing myself away from her in future away from work so she can get on with screwing her life up.