Hi all,

I became friendly with a work colleague - we really got on well and although we weren't friends outside of work, we would get together for lunch quite often, email and chat. I moved to another department, and after a while he made less and less effort to contact me. It became very one-sided so I also stopped making an effort, and now a couple of months have gone by since we last went to lunch or even just had a chat. When we run into each other at work it's still perfectly friendly, but we're not as close. The last time I tried to arrange lunch, I emailed on the day to check if it was still on, and he claimed he had forgotten and could we postpone to the next week. Needless to say, there was no lunch the next week either. I thought that was actually very rude, and I would not do that to a friend, so made no further invitations. That wasn't the only time either, and several times prior to that he cancelled at the last minute always with rather lame excuses like "too busy", "got to go to the bank" and so on. I was prepared to cut him some slack at first because I know he's battling financially, but a sandwich doesn't cost that much after all.

Anyway, these things happen, so I just got on with my life. Yesterday I got a phone call out of the blue - he was all pally "Hi how are you " etc etc and asked if I was up for lunch this week, his treat. In the very next breath, he asked for some assistance on a project he's working on. I helped him out because it wasn't too difficult and only took me an hour or so. But I feel quite annoyed and I don't know if I'm being reasonable or not. I would have willingly helped him anyway, as I would with any colleague, but I'm wondering if he thinks I need to be bribed with a promise of friendship ? If he had just asked for the assistance, it would have felt less like a rather unsubtle attempt at manipulation. To add to the confusion, he could have got the information he wanted from a number of other colleagues in his own department so I'm wondering if he's trying to patch our friendship up again?

I don't know whether to go out to lunch or not. Probably over-analysing everything as I usually do, but I don't like being "played" and I'm finding it hard to forgive him his earlier rudeness.

Any ideas ?

MsRobyn

Hi sweetie - you seem to have been so pleased to hear from him so try not to convince yourself of ulterior motives if there's no need. You also seem to have dealt with the previous demise of the friendship in the past "these things happen" so why not adopt the same attitude here.

In the event, you also seem to have enjoyed helping someone else out and seem to have got some professional 'feel good' vibes from that so don't dwell on it too much. Yes, he probably WAS only making contact after all this time becasue he needed help. BUT you would have willingly helped anyone at work in this way, so just because you are no longer bosom buddies, it would have been no reason to turn him away. If the end result was that you both came away from the encounter with the job done, think no more about it.

I'm afraid when you're doing a job, even if you feel a bit miffed, you can't really allow it to affect who you will and won't help. Well done for being the bigger person and don't give him any more thought.

CL on Overcoming Friendship Problems
Co-CL on Weight Watchers

Hi Mellers,

Thanks for replying. What you say makes a lot of sense. It really isn't worth agonising over, and I do feel better for helping him (even though he didn't thank me).

I've often worked with people I don't really like or am indifferent to, and I have never had a problem keeping a professional attitude. I think the problem here is that I thought we were good friends, and clearly he didn't feel the same, so I've let my personal feelings creep in to some extent.

Anyway, it's a relief to feel that I can draw a line under this now, and have no further expectations of him.

Take care
MsRobyn