Where do I start?  My best friend who was also my Chief Bridesmaid a couple of months ago, has been having issues with her BF for at least the last 4 years, and I am always there for her, unfortunately I know all the gory details of their relationship and just recently they nearly broke up over something deceitful, and at the time I advised her that she should take the opportunity to set the rules once and for all if she was to stay with him.  I have never told her to leave him, I personally like the guy, I just don't think they have a good relationship in more ways than one, they are not good together, constant arguing both alone and when with other people, no sexual relations despite many counselling courses, no affection, they don't do anything together and after 6 years together still arent engaged or married, he doesnt seem to want to, despite my best friend desperately wanting to and to have a baby.  The are 38 and 45 so time is not on their side either.

She lost her mum at the end of last year, I took time of work to help her and her sister get through it, helped with the funeral etc.  I have also in the past taken time off work to take her to hospital when no other friends have been available, (unpaid) travelling 200 miles to get to her when she's phoned up distraught over other boyfriends and stayed with her when she's asked me to.  I dont live near her and will drop everything if she needs me as shes been a good friend to me too.

Anyway, back to the event, she decided to stay with him again, and I said at the time, that it was her decision and that I just wanted her to be happy, but she has to realise that everytime they have a bust up and she tells me everything its really hard for me to then be really happy when she stays with him, but I would always support her, but to understand that at times its difficult for me and I might not want to pop over for the weekend so soon after yet another episode.  They ruined my 40th birthday as their last fall out was the day before my party and it all got cancelled, I never got an apology BTW which I am still hurt about.

Anyway, she called me yesterday when I was in the middle of something very important at work, I said I was very busy and she was talking at me and as I wasnt responding in the positive way she wanted, she asked me directly if I was annoyed with her because she had taken him back and I said no, saying again I just wanted her to be happy, and she started ranting at me, I couldn't say anything as I work in an open plan office and I am a Manager so can't be heard to be having personal conversations at work, saying I wasn't being supportive and if that was the way I felt then our friendship was over and then slammed the phone down on me!

I've heard nothing since!  I'm annoyed that she shouted at me, and slammed the phone down, I can't abide that, and thinking about everything I've done for her in the past I dont feel I deserve that, how can she just throw a friendship away in a couple of seconds without talking about it, mustnt have meant much to her in the first place.  Yes I do find it difficult to watch her in such a negative relationship as shes such a loving person and deserves so much more, but I accept its her choice, but she also has to understand that I cant pretend and say things I dont mean as that would be false, but I can still be supportive to her.

What do I do? 

Oh dear, she's probably regretting her outburst already, but it IS up to her to apologise I think.

I'm not surprised you are miffed at her though, she does seem to be taking the proverbial a bit. I'm quite surprised (from your account) that you still want to be friends with her - after all, you've not mentioned anything positive from the relationship at all. I assume there IS still good stuff that you share?

What does worry me though is when you say "I just want her to be happy". I'm afraid that none of us have the power to MAKE anyone happy or unhappy. Whatever we do or don't do, a person's happiness is very much down to them. Only THEY have the power to be happy or not. You may just have to accept that what ever you do or say your friend may never be as truly happy AS YOU WANT HER TO BE. But that's her choice, I'm afraid and you may have to accept that.

I do hope she comes back to you and tries to make up. It sounds like her friendship means a lot to you.

CL on Overcoming Friendship Problems
Co-CL on Weight Watchers

Thanks for the response Mellors, I guess I'm kind of sad that I think this friendship may be over, I could spend hours telling you about their relationship, Ive spent years hearing all about the negative things and I get so fustrated that she cant see its a dead end, and I can't tell her that in so many words, I try and get her to talk about what it is she wants, in the hope that she can see shes not getting that or will ever get that from him, but she just doesnt seem to get it.  Then I try and put it all to one side, and then a few months down the line I get it all again, and this has been going on for nearly 5 years, and shes still no futher forward, and I am fed up with it all.  And to then get her slamming the phone down on me and saying Im not supportive, oh I could scream.  I was wondering if I should be the one to make the first move, funny that she can dump me in a second for being a good supportive friend, yet she clings on to that loser for years! 

Oh well, guess thats 14 years of friendship down the drain because I cant lie!