I'm not sure how to explain this clearly to express what I'm feeling, but know I need help understanding this situation and hope someone can provide me different insight...

Over the past 11 years, since my son was born I have made many acquaintences though the children and school stuff.  I now find myself with no circle of friends, but 3 of those from the past 11 years did develop into more than just acquaintances, one I was a close friend of for the first 0-6 years of our children's lives where we did alot together, the other two have been around for that time but not particularly close.  I now find myself friends with thiese 3 women, separately but feeling excluded from their lives....let me try to explain this more..

They all have their own other "circles" of friends, two of them mainly through being stay at home mums and very involved with other stay at home mums, the third has her own group from her work as that's a very important part of her life.

They all keep in touch with me regularly, we meet for coffee occasionally, they come to me when they need someone to talk to or are desparate for someone to look after their children, as I do them but...and here's the main thing that upsets me...they all seem to be having a ball of lives elsewhere and not including me :(  They all seem to be doing things with other people, trips out, parties etc.

It really brought it home to me last night, one of them had a gathering at her house, one of those demo parties and although I knew most of the people there, I am not in their inner circle.  It was a good night and they included me in the events very well and I did have a good time, but during the whole night references were made to girlie holidays away, halloween parties, kids parties, xmas get togethers, shopping trips, new years eve parties etc...all of which I know nothing about and have clearly not been invited to.

It feels clear to me that there is something wrong with me, but what is it?  I have tried asking them and they have all said the same, they think I'm a good friend.  Ok so what's wrong with me that they don't include me in  their lives?  They have given various reasons for not including me from thinking I wouldn't be interested, to thinking I would be too busy, to saying as they have been invited by someone else they don't feel able to ask if they can bring another friend (bit strange considering on another level I actually know all the other women they spend their time with, either from distant contact through schools or having met them at other clubs at some point)

I feel a bit strange as being a small town I do know most people, but I don't know why I've never been able to get involved in any of the groups that form amongst mothers outside school gates.

I'm a single mum, I work, and no I don't get much free time, certainly I can't give much time to PTAs etc but if invited to something I am able to sort out the time to join in, or if its something that kids are involved I can do that easily.  I think I'm pretty laid back, open, non-judgemental, up for anything old or new, never said no when asked...so where am I going wrong?

I'm lonely, feel I've spent 11 years trying to make friends to no avail and now being a single mum I really don't have the time or energy to go out to find new friends particularly as that would seem I would need to go outside my own town to find them :(

What do I do?

Hi sweetie

I've had teh same sort of problem, but someone (whose opinion I respect) told me that it's nthing personal, just that some friends compartmentalise friendship in such a way that they only ever see a certain friend or group of friends in a certain environment. It's not that they don't like you but you haven't become one of that particular crowd yet. And that can take time.

Have you tried being the one who organises something and invites all the people you want to join in with? That could help.

CL on Overcoming Friendship Problems
Co-CL on Weight Watchers

Except I've known these particular friends for 10+ years so if they were every going to include me in their other group activities don't you think they would have by now?

Yes I have tried being the organiser, but no surprise they were all busy already whenever I asked, probably because they are part of so many other groups or busy organising their own things which I don't get invited to.  I did once send a round robin text to 9 women I know (friends and acquaintances) to get up a group to go see a girlie movie, thought that would be pretty safe to get together, no pressure and no biggie if no-one replied (I can do the cinema alone and have done a few times).  2 did respond positively and we went which was nice.  On the ratio of 2 out of 9 though if I wanted 15-20 people to a party or bbq I would need to invite 90 people and I don't know that many people!  There would be nothing more deflating than inviting people to a party and only having 2 turn up :(

Do you want quality friendships or quantity though?

"2 did respond positively and we went which was nice." I think it's important to remember that you did have a lovely time when you went out with these two and not concentrate on the statistics (which to be honest anyone can use to prove anything! lol!) If I were you, I'd organise another cinema trip PDQ and give you and whichever girlfriends can make it, another nice time.

OK, so you may not be able to have a BBQ with 15-20 people right now, but if it's only the 2nd or 3rd thing you've organised, I think that's realistic. And a party is always quite an emotional invertment if you're feeling a bit fragile. Stick to doing stuff that YOU enjoy (whether others join you or not) and feel like company is an added bonus. You had a great idea with the cinema, go for it again, or with something else you enjoy.