I do hope someone somewhere can help. My son left home again just over a year ago. He couldn't afford the rented flat then and he failed their credit checks, so he persuaded me to become guarantor. I agreed if he got a lodger to pay half the bills. He didn't get one - one excuse after the other (2nd bedroom too small, only one bathroom, or his (then) girlfriend stayed over with her son and they needed 2nd bedroom for him (they split up in January) and although he got a job for a short period of time in the past year, it was badly paid and he was made redundant in November, housing benefit is extremely low (doesn't even cover half the rent, never mind the utilities and council tax)so of course muggins has been paying the lion's share of the rent, some months all of it.

He did promise to sell his sports car, but despite trying that never happened and girlfriend helped him to get it back on the road (for selling, he said). I then remembered it was me that was paying the very expensive insurance on it and I still am. I do mention it from time to time but know he can't afford it himself, I can afford it but the money comes from my savings which are reducing rapidly

My son comes round to my house most weekdays, its not far from his, and uses my computer to look for jobs. I have my own needs to use the computer and so does my partner, who has recently moved in with me (my son doesn't like him - he thinks he's effeminate, but that's another story. And as far as I can see my partner isn't gay or bi). We generally let him use the computer within a short time of him calling round and for as long as he wants, though I did ask the other day if he could do a lot of his job searching on the library computer which is nearer to where he lives. He took umbrage at this. I let him know that I will help him with e-mails, changes to cv, letters etc. whenever he wants - and I do.

Yesterday I drove him over 60 miles to and from an interview with an employment agency in a local city. He didn't want to go on his own; it was easier for me to take him for parking reasons (I have a disabled badge) and of course it was cheaper. I paid for the petrol. He was difficult with me on the journey there and so we drove most of the way in silence.

For months I have been telling him to sort out his housing problem - get a lodger, move home, move to my parents, find a chepaer place, house share with others etc. etc. But he has done nothing, just half-heartedly asking acquaintances if they'd share. I suggested putting an ad in the paper, but he didn't want that. Also if he leaves his flat it needs cleaning up and se touching up of paint so that we get the deposit back. He has been meaning to do it for months but done nothing - of course, it was me that paid the deposit.

Last night he phoned me to say he had been speaking to his landlord and the year's contract is up at the end of this week. They want him to sign again for 6 month or a year and have reduced the rent by 10% to £500. Still he can't afford this and he knows I will not be guarantor any more. He then thought of a friend who might be a lodger with him, but he would prefer somewhere bigger and not on a first floor ( he has problems with keeping quiet all the time for the single parent and her baby in the flat downstairs ). I suggested he speak to said friend and see where he stands.

Today my son bounded in to my house mid-morning, came upstairs to where I was on the computer having problems with the printer because the ink cartridge was low. He then disagreed with me about the need to know what the printer type was - just get a lexmark he said. He opened up the printer and caused it to need realigning (using up more precious ink. Then when I said not to do that, he stormed downstairs and off in his car. I've heard nothihng from him since.

Of course it was a stupid, minor incident for him to get in a huff about. He always thinks he knows better than me - especially about technical things, and he ususally does. But even though he has the time at the moment, he refuses to help me with anything.

What worries me is his state of mind. He has lost almost everything. All he owns now is a few sticks of furniture and his car. He seems unwilling to take just any job in the interim and is rude to me very often.

I would hate him to do anything silly (he's hinted at it before)but just how much do I have to give in to him. I suppose it is my fault that he is like this - I was a single Mum for the majority of his youth and I gave in to him too often.

Despite my best efforts to sit tight and wait for him to call round again or phone, I couldn't wait and have texted him to ask if he is ok. I made sure I didn't put any xxx kisses on the text, to show him I'm not pleased with his behaviour. But perhaps i should have done.

What does anyone else think I should do?

Hi leetlelamb,

No wonder you are at your wits end with your son.  Your son is a 28 year old man, and is old enough to look after himself.

He is disrespectful to your partner by calling him effeminate.   He is disrespectful to you, by coming over and not following your wishes in regards to your computer. 

You are paying for his rent etc and from what you typed here is doing nothing to help himself at all.  and he isn't going to.  As long as you continue to do everything for him, he doesn't have to accept any responsibility for being an adult and can blame you when things go wrong for him, instead of owning his own mistakes.

For your own sake, and honestly for his as well, you need to put a time limit on him.  "Son, you have X days to find a roomate/job/sell car/ etc.  If his lease is up, do not guarantee it again for him, he needs to be made to be responsible for himself.

Why should you be running through your savings and doing without to support your healthy, full grown son?

I feel so bad for what you are going through, you need to put your foot down with him, otherwise nothing is going to change.  He'll probably be mad at you when you do it, but eventually he will have respect for you for looking after yourself and setting limits on his behaviour. 

Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us and I believe that.  Read your post back as if it was me typing that about one of my children and give me some advice.  I think that it helps put things in perspective when we look at our situation as an outsider.

Keep posting, I would love to be able to help you through all of this.

Love Lisa xx

I don't think it is strange that you are texting him, you have to do what you are comfortable with.  I would like to know how things are going for you, so thanks for updating me.  I've been through this with my kids too so I have an idea how hard it is for you.

Love Lisa xx