hi all, first time ever....

I am 34 with 2 boys (6+4) I have been married for two years but with him for ten.  The problem i have is that I cannot talk to my husband - I feel so unhappy with our relationship, he is very cold, detached and seems unaware that anything is wrong.  I work 3 nights a week so am out for half of the week when I am there he sits in one room and I sit in the other,  we never go out or talk properly anymore.  He looks constantly annoyed by me, He never shows any affection (except to our sons who he is really great with)  On the few occasions I have tried to tell him that I am unhappy he just thinks its me being overly-sensitive he doesn't think there is a problem so there can't be one.  He is not a bad man and talks really well and listens but is patronising, and doesnt take me seriously - this is why I can't open up to him, he is very big on being right and I know that whole conversation will end up being this huge debate and I dont have the energy.  I told him last night that I didn't think we were getting on very well at the moment instead of asking why he rolled his eyes and said come back to me when you've got some hard facts to talk about??  I really don't think he thinks there is a problem and he would be quite content going on like this forever - but I'm not. 

I know the answer is that I need to talk to him but I can't.  We never have blazing rows - we sulk for a couple of days instead - I feel like I need a big blow out so we can start putting it back together again but I know he will just walk away - does marriage guidance work? (although i don't thinkd he'd do it)

Thanks for reading and any advice would be much appreciated x

It might be something you've already tried but have you ever tried writing to him about how you feel? It gives you the chance to choose your words carefully to have maximum effect and give examples of things without being talked over or shouted at or dismissed.

I have found in past relationships that it has worked really well because I felt like I was able to say everything that I needed to say and it also will give him time to read, digest, read again, think about it some more, read again etc... Some people find it really hard to discuss their feelings with other people and seeing how you feel written down in black and white might make him take you more seriously. It also might be a good way to suggest counselling or at least put the idea in his head.

You can't force someone to listen to you, but if you write things down he can read it in his own time and it's often easier than someone saying things you don't want to hear to your face, it can soften the blow.

The only thing I would suggest is to try and balance some of the negatives with positives. For example, it hurts that you never show me affection yet you are a fantastic dad and so affectionate with the children, I just wish that you could show your love for me sometimes too. A letter with only bad points in would be hard for anyone to accept and you need him to know that you do actually want to be with him and work on the problems and you're not just accusing him or pointing a finger and wanting to walk away.

HTH X

MrsM XXX

 

Make a pregnancy ticker

Hi LD and welcome to the board!

I think Mrs M has already given you some fantastic advice!

Sometimes we do not want to hear what is being said and this may be what your DH is doing. I like the idea of writing it all down in a letter and reinforcing a negative with a positive. Maybe this approach may work better.

If he won't go to marriage guidance you cannot make him but you can certainly suggest it. He can only say no. He needs to know how you are really feeling.

Good luck!

K x

Thank you both so much for replying, really good advice and I will start writing things down.  funnily enough i think me saying to him last night that we dont get on very well seems to have hit home a little bit because when he came home from work last night he was really making an effort, suggested we all go out for a walk after dinner (which was lovely) and we watched a DVD together as well.  I still feel there's a lot to be said but realise that he needs to know what I'm feeling otherwise he can't do anything.

Anyway thanks again x

Hi Daisy,

I couldn't believe your post - you could have been describing my marriage ! My husband is also not a bad person, just completely emotionally retarded. He's also very self-absorbed, selfish and would rather have a toenail pulled out than actually discuss anything regarding emotions. I just feel like the invisible person most of the time - he treats me like the housekeeper/babysitter. Whenever I try to discuss things, he sneers at me and is very dismissive. Your husband seems more open to changing.

So just know that you aren't alone with this sort of problem. I don't think that men are capable of dealing with emotions like we are and just don't seem to be aware that things are bothering us. You really have to spell it out for them.

The only time my husband is really nice to me is when we have sex a lot. But because I feel so resentful and unappreciated most of the time that doesn't happen so we're going around in a downward spiral right now.

Good luck!
MsRobyn