Hi everyone!

I used to use iVillage a year or two ago and am now back :-)
I'm Jenny and am 22. I'm in possibly the most complicated relationship known to man and we've definitely had a fair few highs and lows, so decided to post on this aptly named board!
I'm studying for a Masters in London at the moment and my partner (25) is in the air force, based in Lincs. We've been together just a year, but it's been far more significant than any of my previous relationships. He is separated and has 2 children from his marriage. I knew this when we met and not being a "children person" it's been quite a big deal for me meeting them etc, and they're really fab. I've never got on with a guy as well as I do with him - we have infinite fun and I really love him.

If only it were that simple! In July I found out he'd slept with his ex-wife on a few occasions when picking up/dropping off the kids. I was utterly shocked as from what I'd gathered they'd never really got on, married as she became pregnant very early in their relationship, and he generally wasn't particularly nice about her. I regularly defended her and always insisted on remaining impartial, not wanting to be "the bitchy new girlfriend". As everything else in our relationship was totally atypical to what I'd ever imagined (the children, ex-wife etc etc) I decided, against my logical thinking, to stay with him. He was totally broken during the shakey period after this news emerged. I believe he was totally sorry, disgusted with himself and wouldn't ever do it again. However, I'm still finding myself angry, sometimes for no particular reason, but I'm sure it's rooted in not really getting over the cheating. Hopefully chatting about it will help!

If it were any of my friends I'd tell them to get out asap! But I want us to work as I know how perfect things were before "the news" ;-) I'm extremely stubborn and don't want to give up without a fight!

Sorry for the long-winded introduction, but I thought it'd be simpler in the long-run to get everything out there from the start! Looking forward to getting to know you all :-)

Love Jenny

Hi Jenny!

I would not be pleased at all. I'm not surprised you're finding it hard to get over. You were very trusting and mature about their relationship and he's broken your trust.

How did you find out that he's slept with her? Have you had a proper chat about it and looked at why it happened or has it been "brushed under the carpet"? x

Hi Jenny,

Welcome back!

I have to say I do feel you are being v understanding.  Am not sure I could be quite as understanding (I had an ex husband who was unfaithful to me).

I agree with what has already been suggested.  This cannot be just brushed under the carpet and you need to know why he did it and how you can be sure it is not going to happen again in the future if you are both to move on from this.

HTH.

K x

Jennyalice,

You're young and it's your first real r-ship - this is probably why you think that what you're going through is unique and very complicated. Sadly, it isn't. The gist of the story here is that your bf has cheated on you with his ex - the details are irrelevant. The question that you need to ask yourself is whether this is something you can forgive and move on, or not. The decision is yours. I wish  you all the very best.

BTW, I'm in London too.

Thanks very much for your replies!

I found as after I met his children for the first time his ex wasn't happy at all and emailed me. We talked about it a LOT at the time and several heated discussions have occurred since, so I definitely haven't let it get pushed aside. He's given me his reasons (no excuses though thankfully - could not take something like that being "excused") and in my opinion what it comes down to is him wanting to have some kind of control. She left him in the end and apparently used to brag about how many guys she has after her etc so I think it was some ridiculous way of countering that? He's extremely insecure despite having a lot going for him and I think this contributed to the situation.

I want to believe in his better nature and give him another chance as there's plenty of time to bounce back if I'm proved wrong. He's also having counseling (hate that word!) which I think is helping how he handles his feelings - as in actually handling them rather than detaching. Just want to know I tried as hard as I could! If it comes back to bite me in the arse then as you said, I'm young and I've heard life's about making mistakes. I've learnt a lot from the last scenario so maybe I'll pick up a few more gems.....but hopefully I won't have to ;-)

Thanks again for writing back, it's great to 'talk' to people who are separate from the situation. And always nice to know another London dweller! xx