Hi Everyone,

I moved to the city I'm in now a year ago with my Boyfriend and we don't really have many friends here. A few, but no one we consider great friends, more like work or school aquaintances.

I don't feel comfortable calling my friends back home to discuss relationship woes either. I'm private that way. While I appreciate other's views on matters, I'm the one that my friends come to for advice and to go the other way around, they wouldn't know what to say.

So lately we've been fighting, moreso than normal. I'm more sensitive lately and he's less patient lately. I don't think either one of us has any idea what brought this on, but we're having a really hard time getting out of our rut.  Despite our fights that escalate beyond necessary (that's largely my fault...I have a temper and am so sensitive) we care a great deal about each other and are each others best friends. When we're good, we're SOO good. But when we spiral downwards...it's almost unstoppable and so unbearable.

We know we have communication issues when it comes to arguements and that's due to a difference in our personalities and we try to keep it in mind. But sometimes it feels so helpless. Before we know it, a misunderstanding is blown out of porportion and I'm crying and scared and he's trying desperately to get me to calm down and getting me to listen, but is beyond frustrated with me at the same time.  To me it seems we both try so desperately to be heard that in the end neither one is listening or getting what they want.

Any thoughts? Thanks!

ps - We're in our late 20's.

What do you mean when you say you're scared during arguments? Scared of what?

What kind of thing are you arguing about?

Have you tried writing down your concerns in a letter, having time alone to cool down before discussing things or giving each other a set time to talk during which the other person is not allowed to interrupt? If you're really emotional then you can't communicate very well and sometimes it's better to leave it and come back to it.

I read a good book on this - "Stop Arguing, Start Talking". It has a lot of general communication tips.

Hi Neurotica,

Who is the author of this book? ('Stop arguing.  Start talking')

I am just generally interested in good communication. Thank you. 

Sunny Girl

Hi Neurotica,

Why am I scared? I'm scared of the way we're treating each other. Afraid that if it doesn't get better, it will kill us as a couple. I'm really not good with conflict. My parents never fought growing up. I only had one other relationship that I fought in. So I'm not really certain where my fear of confrontation comes from. I just hate when its happening and I hate when I can't defend myself.

As for the things we argue about... they can be anything and some of it can be so unbelievably pathetic. It could be me getting upset over something that my boyfriend sees as nothing more than a light-hearted tease at me, but because I'm sensitive in nature, I take it the wrong way and then he tries to make nice, but it's sometimes too late because I'm stubborn and have a hard time letting things slide off my back. He always says that he's never out to get me and is just having fun. This is where the majority of our fights sit.

As for other things, we do have a more serious issue, jealousy, and that is due to insecurities and bad experiences from previous relationships. He has difficulty with male friends (I don't have any - for the record) because he was cheated on and lied to a lot in the past. I also work as a personal trainer and he is often scared for the way I can get treated at the gym (I have had some issues with men at the gym being dirt bags) He prefers that I wear clothes less revealing or less tight because of this. He's afraid I'll get treated inappropriately because of how I look.

I know that the arguements are largely my problem. While I know it takes two to tango, I know I don't help our situation whatsoever with how I react to things. I don't know. I guess I'm afraid to be walked all over and not be heard. But I know to him the biggest thing he's looking for is understanding. So we butt heads over this by not giving each other what each other needs.

Thanks for the book suggestion. Joanne

The book is by Susan Quilliam.

Noone really likes confrontation but I'm a bit worried by you saying that your boyfriend is justifying his comments by saying he's only teasing you. He may not intend to hurt you but if the teasing is upsetting you, he should stop. My ex used to say exactly the same stuff and I was convinced that I was hypersensitive because he always told me I was. Looking back, the things he said were quite nasty and I shouldn't have just let them go. It was his problem, not mine, and in this context, "hypersensitive" just meant too sensitive for his liking!

Are there certain subjects that you don't want to be teased about at all? If so, you should tell him that, light-hearted or not, you don't want jokes made about them. If he cares about you, he'll make an effort to stop. As for other stuff, it depends on how you feel when he makes those comments. Ask yourself if you genuinely think that he doesn't mean to hurt you. If you think he doesn't, try to let those ones go, or tease him back. If you think he is trying to be nasty, you need to talk to him about it.

My ex also used to tell me what to wear and not like me having male friends and in the end he became very controlling. He tried to justify it by saying that it was for my own good, to stop me being taken advantage of. In the end, he was locking me in the car for my own good, so other men couldn't hit on me whilst he was out of the car and paying for petrol! Just because your boyfriend got cheated on in the past doesn't mean that your life should be restricted. Do you think this is reasonable? Be very careful about agreeing to demands like this. Chances are he'll ask for more and more. x