hello,

my partner and I have been together for over 5 years but right now having some problems mainly relating to his job, money and his debts. My partner is going to be made redundant but when he does not know but will be given 3 months notice prior to this, he has been looking for a new job but nothing suitable. He wants to go back to his previous career but say he can't due to the hours I work and child care issues. It was his choice to change career in the beginning but now it's not going well he is blaming me and our son. He is also annoyed as I work nights and says 'well you HAD to work nights, so I can't have my career'. You see I pay most the bills (due to his debts) and what he does not get is that full-time childcare is very expensive so my only choice for us to have a home is to work full-time nights. He told me the other day he has given up looking for a new job and when he is made redundant there is nothing he can do about that. I am angry as I think he is being very selfish as I cannot afford to pay for everything, well I could but we would not eat each month. Why the hell should I pay it all? his debts! His choice to change career!

He spends his life moaning about this, I have even told him to move out and get his career if he wants it that badly. He tells me 'I had to chose career or family and I HAD to choose family. Rubbish he has it easy here!

Avanka

Hi Avanka,

I haven't experienced a situation like this myself, but it sounds as though your partner is trying to avoid taking responsibility for his own life. By unreasonably blaming things on you and giving up on looking for a new job he doesn't have to worry about his situation as it's "out of his hands". Do you think there's anything you can do to give him a kick up the backside and make him realize that detaching himself from what's going on won't help anybody in the long run? Maybe sit down and calmly talk through the reasons why you couldn't leave your current job and point out the positives of you both sticking to your existing careers would help too? Sounds very frustrating and you must have a lot of patience, particularly as you clearly work very hard!

Hope you manage to work something out :-)

Jenny x

Hello Avanka,

I know myself when you've got a child/children, it's very hard to try to keep both careers of both partners at the same level because of childcare.

What job do you do working nights all the time and what career would you DP like to go back to?  Is there any compromise that could be found? 

I think when he IS actually made redundant, then with money not coming in that will give him a reality check and sooner or later he will take the responsibility and find another job.  I can imagine it's not easy to look for a job when you are working.  Finding a new job is a job itself and demands time and energy itself.  When your DP is working, he is tired and not that interested or motivated to look for a new job because he actually Still has got a job and therefore some income coming in (though there is a big chance to lose this job).  This situation gives him some kind of financial security at the moment and he doesn't want to think about future. 

So if/when he is made redundant, he'll have more time to look for a job and more chances to find it.  Otherwise he'll get an ultimatum from you that it's NOT fair only you have to provide for the family and he just 'use' you (take advantage of you) and not help financially at all.  It won't be an equal partnership then.  It will be a mother/ little son situation but he is NOT your son, he is your DP and as he's got his own family with you and his own child, it's HIS responsibility to provide for the family or at least to contribute something financially into the family budget (especially when he's in debt at the moment).

I hope you'll find the right solution.

Sunny Girl