Hello,

I've been reading these boards for quite a long time and in fact posted on "Long Distance Relationships".  However, I don't seem to have one any more! - and if anyone has any advice or thoughts I would really really appreciate them.  I am typing this in tears and have been like this for the last two weeks.

Here goes.......

Six months ago I met a guy who, while not perfect, seemed just right for me.  We got together and had an absolutely brilliant time.  His background was a little complicated.  He's in the military and had just come back from 3 months in Afghanistan when I met him.  Just prior to going out there he and his wife had decided to get divorced and that was all kicking off when we met.  He has two kids, 2 and 7.  He always said his relationship with his wife had been difficult/functional at best.  They were each other's first proper relationship and were together on and off for 15 years (we're both mid-30's).  They split up about 5 years ago and sold their joint home, splitting the equity 50/50.  By the time they got back together, she had spent her half so he used all his share to buy another home.  They then got married and had their second son.  Negotiations about the financial settlement for the divorce were difficult because she doesn't earn enough to pay her way on her own.  He always said to me that she was more interested in his money than him.

In August he had a "brainstorm" moment and decided he couldn't be with me any longer.  I had had no warning of this - I have run over the situation in my mind so many times and there is no way I could have seen this coming.  It doesn't help that he isn't good at talking - he will run away rather than confront and talk through a difficult situation.  However, he admitted later that as soon as he had emailed me he realised it was wrong and that he actually wanted to be with me.  So, we got back together.  One of his key issues was that he needed
time and space, so I tried to give him that, but things ended up being pretty much as intense as previously.

He has now finished the relationship with me again, this time by text.  Yes, by text.  I have no explanations at all, he won't give me an answer as to why he has finished.  He has muttered something about needing someone sensible (ie we tended to go out a lot - he very rarely did with his ex).  However, speaking to
his mum (with whom I have always got on very well) she said he is thinking of going back to his (soon-to-be) ex wife.  The decree nisi was issued a few weeks ago.  His ex has offered to compromise on all the things that were wrong in the relationship in the first place, most significantly offering to move onto camp so that he can have a proper family life.  He has said to his mum he will only agree to this if an appropriate arrangement can be put in place so that she can't "stiff" him again financially.  That doesn't sound to me like the words of
someone who wants to make it work long term!  However, he doesn't know I've been speaking to his mum.  He won't respond to my texts even though I have said to him I need answers before I can move on.  Every day is like wading through treacle and I feel like I am going mad because of his silence.  There is a big piece of me that thinks he can't talk to me because he still has strong feelings for me (he was talking about "forever" and telling me he loved me two weeks ago, whereas I know he neither loves nor even likes, still less finds attractive, his wife).

Any advice gratefully appreciated - I am at the end of my tether.

Thank you for reading this xx

Hi,

Welcome to the board and thanks for posting. Am so sorry to hear about the break up of your relationship.

It seems that your BF is a v confused man at the moment and doesn't know what he wants and it all just got a bit too much for him. I am guessing the finality of his marriage approaching has had him thinking. But to go back to his ex wife again after what happened last time is madness!

It would seem you have tried to be very understanding in giving him time and space and his lack of reason or communication must be v hurtful to you.

It is good you have a good relationship with his mother and can talk to her about your relationship with her son.

I do feel the least your BF owes you is an explanation and a face to face chat. To finish by text is just awful! No wonder you feel so awful.

Do you think perhaps if you didn't contact him for a week or so he may then get in touch? Maybe he just needs to think about things before he can talk to you.

It must be all so confusing for you right now and I hope you get the answers you need in order for you to move on , whether that be with or without your BF.

Good luck!

K x

Hi,

Thanks for your message.  I do think he is really really confused - how could he be sending me lovey dovey texts literally two days before he split with me otherwise?  I agree it is madness for him to even think about going back - in all the time he and I spent together he never even said one nice thing about her - it was really obvious that he just had no time for her. I think this is all about his guilt at leaving his sons though and she is using that as a lever to try and get a roof over her head.  I don't think they have any feelings for each other at all but he wants a "proper family life" which is what she is offering him by saying she will move onto camp.  But given he has said to his mum the only way he would do it is to put some sort of "pre-nuptial agreement" in place - well, he must already be thinking it won't last - what is all that about!!

A friend said to me that he had been through a very similar situation about 10 years ago when he met his wife - he was with someone else when he met her who seemed to be the ideal GF but he was pretty bored in the relationship. He then met his wife who was the opposite - sparky, energetic, a challenge.  He got together with her but ended up really confused and pushed her away, he dumped her really nastily and was really aggressive towards her - basically because he couldn't deal with the strength of his feelings towards her.  I do think that rings true here - my BF said some really nasty things in the texts he sent when he dumped me about our relationship and the physical side of things which I just know aren't true. 

I left it a few days and then texted saying could we talk, that I needed answers to be able to move on - his response was "No, sorry."  So I said that was ridiculous, that if he went back he was an idiot and could he not see it from my point of view re needing answers.  He said "Thanks for making it easier by calling me names.  Don't text or call or email again please."  I do think that is the words of a man who is trying to push me away for whatever reason, but I feel like there is unfinished business.  But then I don't know if that is just my coping mechanism because it hurts like crazy to think I might not see him again - I just can't even bear to think of a life without him. 

He is going away on exercise in a couple of weeks and will have time to think then.  I was thinking of writing him a letter telling him how I feel, saying I am here but won't be forever.  What do you think of that idea?  I am hoping he will have time to digest it while he is away and do some thinking. 

xx

Hi Strawberry,

I'm going to try not to be too harsh here but....CONFUSED?!? He's got a damn cheek if he is confused! I don't know why he keeps splitting up with his wife and then getting back together but I think he's a twat to be perfectly honest!

Whatever weird basis their relationship works on, I think its clear that this is the way it works for them but unfortunately, you've been caught up in the middle of it. 

One thing I would say is that you need to stop contacting him.  He's made it clear that he's not going to give you an explanation and surely that speaks volumes about what kind of a person he really is.  Look, I think what I'm trying to say is whether he's 'confused' or not, he should at least be able to tell you why he finished it.  If he can't or won't then for the moment at least, you're going to have to leave him alone.  I just hope he's not the kind of man that gets off on women backing off because if that's the case, as soon as you go silent, he'll be back knocking on your door only to bugger off again when you get all comfortable. 

Be wary hun.  I'm thinking you need to look at this as if a friend was telling you the same story. 

Love S xxxx

Edited to say.....I know you're feeling really rotten at the moment - break ups are evil but I honestly think you deserve better than a man who'll potentially keep going back to his wife! Remember, if there are children involved then he'll always have to have contact with her and therefore, you're always going to worry that he'll end up back with her. After all, there does seem to be a pattern of him doing so.  You WILL feel better with a bit of time babes. 

Hi Scatalie,

Thanks for the advice - my sister has been doing exactly the same thing, trying to give me some tough love and push me out of myself.  I just can't stop thinking about him - every little thing I see or do reminds me of him.  We were SO loved up together, that's what I find so upsetting - was it all an act? Or is he actually as you say just a twat that plays with other people's emotions? 

I am starting to feel a bit better and a bit more distance - I actually NEARLY thought today at one point, if he goes back to his wife he deserves everything that he will inevitably get!!  And then started crying.  Hmph.

And you are right, it is the kids that have prevented them from a clean break and always will.  I just can't stop myself looking back through all the texts he used to send me and how lovey dovey they were.  I told him I need answers to move on - he won't give them - is that because he doesn't want me to move on?  If that is right, then he will either come back, if he really wants to be with me and sorts his head out, or he is the sort of twat who likes a "back stop" option and to know that women are out there waiting for him.  I honestly don't think he is the latter, he is not "into women" as such - ie not a player.  I'm just so confused.

Thanks so much for posting tho, the reason I posted on here is cos I want to hear all the answers, whether or not they end up being right, not just the ones I want to hear....if you know what I mean.

SCC xxx