Hi

Looking for some advice if possible....My boyfriend and i have been dating about 1.5 years and live together. We have a very strong and trusting relationship, I am happy to say. We knwo each other inside out now, which actually could be a bad thing in this instance.

My boyfriend had a very passionate relationship with his ex, which lasted about 2 years and ended 4 years ago, it ended because of a lot of jealousy from both sides and lots of arguements. Even though it was an important relationship, he says that it was right for it to end. Anyway they have not really had any contact, she had sent him a letter when he moved away saying she would never forget him but not to reply to her.

Now 4 years on, she has emailed him through a social networking site, asking about him and his life. He has replied and he also (unprompted) posted a picture of me and him to his page, he said he had none on there and felt he should have. She noticed it and asked if it was intentional. He did not respond to this. He told me months ago, that he would like to make contact just to see that she was ok in life as she had had a hard time with family issues. He says he has told her that he lives with me and is very happy. She now wants to add him on MSN, which to be honest concerns me. If she wants to catch up on life now and again, that i can handle, but this MSN thing is not down with me. I am not happy about them live chatting. I feel insecure about it because i do not know her motivations / intentions. I know his are innocent, I can say that because i know him and i trust him. But i just do not understand why she wants to add him, why an occasional email will not do?

Am i over reacting or should i say that i do not agree? He has not accepted her invite yet. The truth is i feel threatened of her. I do not think he loves her, or wants contact as he has not been the one to initiate it, but i am concerned that if they end up being on line a couple of times and start chatting, who knows where that may lead. He assures me, from the chats we have had that i am the only person for him and he does not view her in that way. But when we met he said a conversation can produce a feeling, so how could i not be sure that would not happen. He has promised to tell me if she makes contact. Again I believe him as he is just not someone who is able to keep anything to himself.

Please tell me if i should relax or be on my guard. I should mention they are countries apart, not just up the road, so there wouldn't be a meeting in person, but sometimes online is even worse, in my opinoin.

Any helpful advice would be great.

Thanks in advance guys.

Hi and welcome to the board,

It is good that you and your BF have such a good trusting relationship.  However, why on earth would his ex get in touch with him after all this time?

I agree with the whole MSN thing and would not be happy at all if my BF was 'chatting' with an ex in this way.  Not, do I see why he would have a need to send an occasional email as their relationship is over, he is with you now and if they do not have kids together, then there is no need for them to be in touch with one another.

I think you have a right to be wary and I wouldn't accept it.

HTH

K x

I think you're right to be uncomfortable about this and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.  I've just found out my husband has been chatting to an ex online behind my back after telling me she was just an old friend.  He knows I'm happy for him to chat to old friends but that talking to exes would hurt me deeply, but he did it anyway while I was out working to support him and his children, leaving me feeling like a mug and a fool.   I feel very insecure about his exes as the first few months we were together he told me far too much about them, the fun they had and their sexual exploits till I told him I didn't want to hear it any more, and he knows this hurt me and made me feel second best. The other poster is right - why should your partner and his ex need to talk to each other after all this time, he's with you now and it's just not worth the risk of hurting you, his current partner whom he loves, for a bit of reminiscence with an old flame.  I wish my husband had thought that way instead of discussing old history with his ex and even though it's the same situation with her in another country, I still feel very threatened by her as I've always worried that he still carries a torch for her in some way.  I've asked that he doesn't talk to any other exes without telling me and that he doesn't have any more long discussions with her, particularly about their relationship/sex life and he promises he will do as I ask, but at the moment I feel I can't quite trust him which is a horrible feeling for us both. 

The fact your partner is showing his ex photos of you and him together suggests he's showing you off and trying to tell her how happy he is with you, which is a good thing.  My husband said part of the reason he talked to his ex was to make a point of telling her how happy he is with me and sure enough he does mention me a lot in his e-mails, but I'd still rather he hadn't spoken to her at all.  I would tell your partner in a very calm and non confrontational way that you feel threatened by this ex, that it's making you feel insecure and although you trust him and know he wouldn't do anything deliberately to hurt you, it would make you feel much better if he didn't have anything more to do with her.  It sounds like you have a very strong relationship and hopefully he'll understand how you feel and will want to make sure he doesn't do anything which puts your relationship at risk.  

Good luck