Hi,

I am have been with my boyfriend now for nearly five years. He works as a supply teacher and in May this year he found himself at the centre of paedophile allegations. For the record I believe this is totally false. He made the decision not to tell me, or his parents, confiding only in a few of his friends.

So, completely unaware of this situation, and the stress he is under, I carried on in our relationship as normal, noticing that my boyfriend was slowly changing into a different man, but not knowing what had changed. He began avoiding me and our home, going out clubbing, entering relationships with other women, calling me horrible names and saying awful things about me to his friends, and, perhaps the most painful thing he has done to me is to make fun of me for suffering mental illness. He was unfaithful to me three times over before I found out, he told one of the ladies that he was in love with her, and when I found out he told me he had ended it with them all because he realised he wanted me, so after a few long talk and arguements, we decided to give it another go. Then, I found out after all this, the forgivness and so on, that he had again been pestering women for dates, confessed his love for yet another lady, and though he denies sleepng with another women again, if I am perfectly honest I don't believe him.

During in all this, whilst tidying his flat I found his bail letter, and that is the only reason I now know about these allegations. So,what I am now wondering is is it acceptable for me to he struggling to provide support to him? Before all this rubbish he supported me through my mental health troubles, and now I find our positons are switched, and now he needs support. At the risk of sounding completely and utterly selfish, I am finding it so difficult to be there for him, when he is treating me as he is.

I am hoping that you, with an outsiders point of view can tell me if I am right to feel how I do, or if I need to open my eyes and stopped being so wrapped up in myself?

Thank you so much.

As an outsiders view, I think you are far from selfish. You have been unable to be supportive because your boyfriend did not confide in you. He has his reasons for that, and thats something you can't do anything about.

But now looking at all YOU have had to put up, aside from the allegations, its not fair on you and personally I think you need to be selfish, I agree with your thinking. I understand he has supported you but you did not cheat on him. I am someone who detests cheating, its unforgiveable.

Stick to your guns, youre thinking of yourself and you definitely need to.

Good luck

Hi,

Your boyfriend sounds like a charm (not).

You have 5 years invested in a relationship with this man and he elected to not confide in you about something that could potentially see him serve time for?!? I would never swear down for anyones innocence…your post was right to end with a question mark…..

I think you are asking the wrong question re being selfish and wrapped up in yourself.  You are trying to deflect the mess you truly are in vis a vis your boyfriends serial infidelity and the serious criminal allegation against him, and transposing it on yourself by asking such a hypothetical question about whether you are being selfish?? when you know deep down the answer is an obvious and emphatic NO. In short, your are avoiding the bigger picture, imho.

My dear, if the man you’ve shared your life with, can make fun of your mental illness when it suits, cheat on you, lie to you and worse yet expect you to 100% support him in these allegations he’s hidden from you, well, quite frankly, you need to open your eyes but not to being selfish but to who your man really is and what it is you truly want for yourself and your well-being.

Good luck.

Hi and welcome to the board,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this at the moment.  However, I do agree with some of the other posts that your BF has acted selfishly and cannot believe that he thought it was okay/or could indeed keep something so big away from you.

I can not comment on the allegations as I don't know the full facts nor do I know your BF.  However, why did he choose to keep this from you?

His unfaithfulness and how he has treated you has no excuses, no matter how confused or upset he is.  I don't think you need to open your eye to being so wrapped up in yourself.  From what you have told me, I would say it is the other way around.

Don't continue to let yourself be treated this way for your own dignity and sanity.

Good luck hun.

K x

Hi,

I'm new here but just replying because I've been in a similar situation so I think I understand a bit of what you;re going through. My boyfriend was convicted of possessing indecent photos of a minor last year. He kept it from me and his family until he got a sentence. I stayed with him because it was something he had done a few years ago, when he was only a teenager himself and was looking at pictures of girls his own age at the time, which is the reason he got a very light sentence - he has to see a probation officer once every 2 weeks and if convicted for the same offence again will get a 4 month prison sentence. The reason he kept it from me was that he said he didn't want me to have to deal with it before he knew the outcome and that he couldn't deal with me worrying about it too. I think if I had known earlier and had to think about whether or not he would go to prison our relationship wouldn't have survived it and I couldn't have been supportive so I do understand why he didn't tell me. However, it is very difficult to learn something like this about someone you thought you knew.

I was shocked and devastated when he did tell me and considered leaving him many times. I probably would have if he had treated me badly on top of everything. However, being accused of any crime is very stressful, especially paedophilia, which would destroy your boyfriend's career and potentially his relationship with you, his family and his friends and will probably come out in the media. I think your boyfriend probably needs counseling. His bad behavior is likely to be a consequence of not knowing how to cope with the situation - that doesn't make it acceptable but I doubt he meant what he said when he lashed out at you or wanted to hurt you. Even if you're sure your boyfriend is innocent, it's still going to be very difficult rebuilding your trust for him, forgiving him for how he's treated you and dealing with people's reactions to what has happened, as well as his anxiety about the trial. I don't think it makes you a weak or selfish person to walk away from all that. I'm still not really over what my boyfriend did, even though in itself I don't see his actions as an unforgivable and we've talked it all through hundreds of times. Best of luck whatever you choose,
Sephy