Hi Ladies and Gents,

I'd like a few outside opinions on the state of my relationship, here goes...
I've been with my fella for 8 yrs, we have a 5 yr old and I have 2 older children from a previous relationship, we've been living together for over 6 yrs, the problems are as follows,
We dont go out together anywhere, he never arranges child care to take me out or away for weekends, we dont holiday, we practically sit in silence on the weekends he's home (HGV Lorry driver) and whats bugging me more and more is that non of his personal paperwork comes to the house!! His car is registered to the house for insurance purposes, but thats it, theres no phone bills, bank statements or anything else, it all still goes to his mums house!
I recently asked him for a copy of his direct debits from the bank so that we could try to manage our incoming and outgoing finances better, and to see if we can make any savings somewhere, well, all I get is "I spend this, this and this", "I've told you where its going, so why do you need to see it on paper?" my reply is that I'm a simple creature and I need to see things in black and white for it to go in, to do the maths.

Now as far as I'm aware, its quite "normal" for couples to send and receive mail from their shared home or am I wrong?, everything in my name is under the same roof and can be looked at at any time if needed, wheres the problem?

We have split up over this before in 2007 and things have not changed, he gives me money every week towards house keeping, but it would appear he'd also like it if I didnt ask any questions!

Opinions would be greatly received!!

xx

Hi there,
Part of me wants to scream this is not normal, what is he hiding, but then the more rational part of me wants to suggest that it's less about what is normal, more about what you want out of your relationship and what you are prepared to put up with.

Personally I do think it's very strange that all his mail goes to his mums. Surely after 6 years and the fact you have a child together would suggest the fact he hasn't changed things is not down to commitment issues.

Have you asked him why nothing goes to your home address?
What would happen if you were to marry? Would he continue to keep the finances secret from you then?

I know that if I were in your situation I would be demanding to know why he's keeping things from me and my immediate reaction would be that he's having an affair, but thats own insecurities.

Why not suggest a joint bank account?
Me and DH don't have one, but we have 2 separate accounts, both in my name and we work it in much the same way as a joint account.
One card to each account, we both have the pin numbers to both cards.
His wages and the child tax credit are paid into one account, the DD's and SO's all come out of the same account, and the child benefit and working tax credits go into another account which we don't touch until the funds in the other account have run dry.
He knows if he takes the card to let me know how much and what for, because if I am the one doing the finances, I need to have complete knowledge of what goes on.
Simply having "housekeping" paid to me wouldn't be enough because it doesn't cover emergencies. Its an arrangement we're both happy with and works well.

I would say that if your OH is refusing to agree to this, or to have his mail sent to your home address, then he is probably hiding something and you need to address this.

With regards to holidays, and going out, not all couples do, but its important to keep things nice at home. For us, Dh will spend some evenings on his x box and I'll go to bed to watch TV but other evenings we spend the time talking and just being together.

If you're not happy with your relationship, you need to tell him, and see if you can start to work things out.

Make a pregnancy ticker Proud mum to four beauties and one on the way.