Hello there

This is the first time  ihave posted here - I usually use the step family board which is so helpful, but I thought this post was better here and I wondered if anyone else was struggling with the trials of christmas planning?!!

My husband & I told the family we'd like to spend last year by ourselves giving a years notice.We had everyone up the year before) I heard several months later my sister was really angry. This year I sent an email at the begining of Oct inviting her and family and my parents to us for Xmas. My parents have accepted. I spoke to my sister who ignored the invite, instead asking us to go there (200 miles) as she would be having her in laws and she'd be doing catering "en masse" anyway. I said that I'd asked her up as I was hoping not to travel (perhaps not the best way of putting it) & we could see her another time. She became really angry, especially when she heard that we had plans with friends for New Year (we've never consulted over new year)

I now feel I have to go down there between xmas and new year whether I like it or not. We are all in our 40's , we don't have kids and my sister has 2 and feels getting together at Chrsitmas is important, even though she does exactly what she wants every year and martyrs herself in the process catering for loads of people.

my dilemma is do we go down to keep the peace but feel summoned and duty bound, or stick to my wish to stay up north and not pander to my sisters need to be in control, and her inability to accept difference of opinion?

I'm exasperated as I tried to avoid a row and its backfired completely!!

Views very very welcome and thanks for reading

Louise XXXX

Hi

I'd be inclined to let her stew tbh, you gave fair notice last year that you wanted Xmas by yourselves and if your sister has chosen to take umbrage then that is her problem. I find a lot of women martyr themselves at Xmas and if the truth be told probably hate it and resent every minute and I don't really understand this need to get together unless everyone really wants to, going to your sister's under duress is not really in keeping with the spirit of the season.

You won't enjoy it and your sister quite clearly doesn't but feels the need to put on a show. The problem is that you said last year that you wanted Xmas at home and now have climbed down and invited your parents (fair enough), are you the sort of person who often gives in to keep the peace because if so then your sister probably assumes you will back down now because she is throwing her toys out of the pram. It's upto you, you can either go and resent it and wish you had stayed at home or just stick to your guns and let your sister sulk.

Tbh she is rather old to be still demanding everyone does as she says and all this control isn't doing her any good either. She needs to realise that whilst you are a family, you all lead seperate lives and sometimes your plans don't coincide and whilst she may be disappointed, the mature and adult thing to do is to just accept gracefully and arrange to see you at a more convenient time. 200 miles isn't a short distance either, have you asked your DH what he wants to do because surely his wishes are more important than your sister's. What do your parents say? I hope you resolve if but if it was me I would tell your sister that you are unable to make it this year.

Dear Bumfy

Thanks so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. It was last year that we had to ourselves and this year I thought I'd try and make the effort to have family to us. would this change your advice? which was really helpful. My sister thinks because we opted out last year that I should travel to see her this year.

In answer to your question, I think i am the kind of person that will back down to keep the peace tbh, my DH wants to stay up north and see her another time. I think the answer is becoming clear actually!

Thanks again, Louise xx

Hi Louise

Glad to be of help, sorry I must have misread your original reply because I thought you wanted Xmas 2009 to be on your own, my mistake. Tbh if your DH and you (I suspect) want to stay at home this year and have already made the appropriate plans with your parents then I would stick to that. I think it is always a good idea to rotate the burden of cooking and entertaining so that it doesn't always fall on the same person year on year. That way it doesn't lead to resentment and a martyr complex.

I really cannot see that you have done anything to feel bad about, you gave plenty of warning and I would still stick to my guns and perhaps arrange to see your sister pre or post Xmas. If she doesn't like it then I am afraid tough. You sound like a really nice person who obviously doesn't like discord and tries to keep everyone happy but unfortunately it is not always possible to please all of the people all of the time. At the end of the day there is always next year. Like taxes, Xmas comes every year lol. Keep you and your DH happy and I hope you enjoy yourselves, whatever you decide.

P.S I am surprised at your sister, if somone offered to do all the cooking and host the festivities at their house in my family, I would jump at the chance lol.

Hi again bumfy

Just wanted to say thank you for repling. Hope your christmas plans work ou too, whatever you end up deciding to do!

Love Louise XX