My mum has always been a very bitter person as she has had rhumatoid arthritis since I was 3 yrs old, she seems to think the whole world is to blame for her suffering.
My dad is a very queit friendly man and gets on with anyone but behind closed doors he was always the brunt of my mums anger and frustration. A year ago mum took a clot in her lung and was very ill in hospital they initially thought it was lung cancer but a camera into her lungs revealed all was well and clear.
So she was put on blood thinners and has to have a check on her bloods every week now and she is carefully monitored. My dad has always been fit and healthy, slim and never smoked or drinks, very rarely drinks alchohol, but after mum was unwell she started to become very nasty towards dad and when I visited them or my sister or both of us together we can't watch it as its very upsetting. dad never defends himself he just takes it like a wee boy being bullied at school.
she creates such an atmosphere in the house that I no longer want to visit because I always end up falling out with her and she gets great pleasure in telling me to F*** off out her house..nice! she has thrown things at him cups and glasses of juice over him it is terrible behaviour, I suffer with anxiety and depression and its making me unwell.
My dad had enough of it after years and left for a few weeks a month ago, to stay with my aunt as he has anxiety now and angina that never really bothered him is got alot worse in the last few months.
these are some of the things that she does....
My dad has IBS and she stands outside the toilet shouting at him telling him hes nothing but a stinkin B*******, when he makes dinner every night she sits and looks at it and points out all the wrong things with it its too hot,too cold,too wet, too dry,not enough salt, too much salt, my sister lost the rag one night and asked her "who are you effing....Goldilocks? ha ha good one she was mad and didnt answer.
if dad has a snooze in the chair she shouts at him that he's no company to her but she lays in bed all day and he has to wait about for her to shout orders for coffee or pills,
she is a mess she doesnt wash herself and her hair is a mess, she doesnt try to look nice or tidy herself up although shes capable of doing so, if dads hair needs cut she tells him how disgusting he is and he that he makes her sick, the list is endless.
It got to be if I visited and dad run me home he would sit outside my house after I had gone in and avoid going home. I am upset typing this as she is bullying him and he will not answer her back, I am fed up telling him if he shouts back at her she might respect him a bit more. My dad is 63 and had to see a cardiologist last week with chest pain and breathlessness but she was not very thorough with him or orderd further tests, he only lasted 4 mins on the treadmill and the pain kicked in.
I am so afraid that mum will cause my dad to have a heart attack or something, I am very very close to my dad as we did everything together all my life coz mum wasnt able to walk, my sister and I are starting to really resent her and we talk on the phone every night about it and we get upset as dad wont leave her or talk back.
I was bullied at school when I was little and have been on meds for anxiety since I was 10 yrs old and watching this is making it all come back to haunt me but whenever I try to tell mum she's far too nasty to dad she tells me I'm talking rubbish, I dont think she knows she's doing it half the time its become a way of life for her.

dad has been off work now with depression for 6 months and she thinks he's been off with a bad back as dad doesnt want her to know he's depressed.
what can I do to save my dad? I love him so much and dont want to lose him.

Suzanne x

Hi Hun

I am really sorry that you are facing this situation, it must be unbearably difficult to watch your dad being treated in this way but other than being there for him, if he does decide to leave, there is not much else you can directly do, at the end of the day your dad needs to make the decision about whether to leave or stay by himself, all you can do is be as supportive as possible.

I hope that for his sake he either turns around and tells her exactly what for or just decides to leave. Did your mum's behaviour improve after he left to stay with your aunt? if it did it possible she might just realise what she missed, if not then there is no inducement to stay. It sounds as though there is no love or respect left on your mum's side and if she persists in way then she is destined to end up embittered and alone, she will finally succeed in driving everyone away. It is possible this is what she wants, then she can wallow in self-pity to her heart's content.  

I think that from your dad's health viewpoint he really needs to decide what to do as a matter of urgency, if this situation is causing his health to deteriorate then he really needs to leave for his sanity and his health. Perhaps he could also seek counselling to help him with his anxiety, although if he lived in a better environment that might well clear up on it's own.

The rpoblem with bullied people is that they are so downtrodden after years of abuse that they often lack the will or the drive to make things better and that is a real tragedy, but ultimately the decision is his alone to make. All you and your sister can do is to be there and to help him as much as you can. Perhaps if he was given counselling or a course in self-esteem he might find the courage to leave.

Hi there, thanks for replying, yes my mum wallows in self pity all the time but when my dad left for those few weeks she wanted me there staying with her, I could only stay the odd night but I have my own place and 3 cats to attend to so I am not running after her.
My dad came back and they were supposed to talk about things but they didnt as dad avoided the issue all together.
I think he went home as he has a very comfotable luxurious home and he missed his own things and feeling unwell he felt safer at home.
Mum seems to be getting the message now that dad is unwell and if he has pain in his chest she must watch him.
she doesnt like that my sis and I are concerned about him she likes all the attention.

I asked her the other day if she was happy dad was back she said" I couldnt care less" she does actually hate him and my dad would do anything for her...
but now he hates her, but why shoyld he walk away from his nice hom and let her live there, dad wants to retire now as he's not keeping well and she makes his life a misery although she's been a bit easier on him lately as he's been unwell and my sister being a nurse warned her to lay off him.

Hi there

I agree that your dad shouldn't be forced out of his home. The advice for domestic abuse and this is exactly that, is too walk away and seek refuge elsewhere, but this might be more difficult for your dad. The only way to know for sure what all the ramifications are is to get legal advice and find out who is entitled to what and what your dad can expect.

The problem is often the better the devil you know, your dad is at the time of life where all he wants is a quiet life and peace, considering divorce at his age is a huge hurdle to overcome and he will probably be very resistant to the idea of such upheaval.

Perhaps you and your sister could have a word with your mum and spell out that if she doesn't change her ways that your dad is considering leaving her and she is likely to end up having to move home and be on her own or even being put in a home. Tbh she doesn't know how lucky she is, most people would have left her high and dry long ago. And don't take over the burden of her care either, she will just have to put up and shut up if she drives your dad away. She sounds like a throughly unpleasant woman who thrives on pushing other people around and being a bully and this need to change or she will die on her own, unloved and unmissed.  

The other option (and I am not sure there is much point here) is to contact Relate and try and go for joint counselling to see if anything can be salvaged from their marriage so at least they can live in tolerance with each other and to try and get to the heart of why there is so much hate and bitterness here.