Hey there,

Only posted on here a few times but wondered if any of you would give me your honest opinions and tell me if I am being unreasonable?  I am at the end of my tether and don’t know if I am over-reacting or not but to be honest I can’t carry on like this anymore.

I met my DH 7 years ago just before I started my PGCE and he lived in Ireland and me the UK.  Once I finished my yrs training I moved over here as he had a secure job and I didn’t.  I couldn’t get a teaching job as there is a massive oversupply of teachers here and could only get 4hrs a week – not anywhere near enough to get a mortgage with and so went back into my previous career so that we could get a mortgage.  He is one of 7, 5 of whom live in this country and I am very close to my Mum and sister so thought that I was getting a ready made family when I moved – god how wrong could I be?  All was well until we had our little boy as the in-laws left us to get on with things but we would see them once a month or so.

They are very religious and very bothered with doing the right thing in the eyes of their neighbours so would think nothing of driving 60 miles for a neighbours brothers or cousins funeral and yet don’t make any effort with us.  Its driving me mad!

Last year DS1 had pneumonia twice in 2 weeks and was in hospital for 4 days in that fortnight and PIL didn’t come to the hospital and phoned once.  They then called to say that they were going to the tax office a mile away from the hosp but wouldn’t come the extra mile to see their grandson as the weather was bad.  My Mum has MS and lives in the UK and I couldn’t tell her how ill DS was as she would have been on the next flight.  DS then got Rota virus a month later and was in hosp for 5 days and his parents didn’t call me until day 3 when I made my hubbie demand that they come to the hosp to see their grandson.  When they finally arrived, his mother didn’t take her coat off, didn’t ask how we were coping (I hadn’t slept for 36hrs at this point) and told me they couldn’t stay long as DH’s sister was getting married the next week and she had a hen meal to go on that night.  Needless to say I kicked off and told them that I thought that they were a disgrace and they ought to be ashamed of themselves and I left the room.  I was then called by SIL to ask if I was going on the hen meal that night (as my son was ill in hosp with a mysterious virus and had been for 3 days at that point!).  I just said no.  I then had another SIL call me saying that she wanted to bring her little boy round to see us once we were home and that he had had diarrohea 4 days before constantly on the flight from the US home.  I refused to speak to PIL for a month afterwards as I was so mad and eventually went round with DH as he wanted to clear the air.  MIL swore blind that she had phoned me until FIL brought out the phone bill (yes really!) and she hadn’t so I had been telling the truth.

The list goes on with my brothers and sister in laws too. 

BIL and his wife are DS1’s godparents and live 25mins drive away.  DS was 2 last Oct and they called on the day but didn’t give him a card or a pressie until the Xmas.  I had a DS2 in early Feb and BIL has seen DS2 once in June at a family do and his wife was not there and has yet to meet DS2.  When I was 36wks pregnant with DS2 the hosp thought I was going into labour and they had offered to have DS1 so DH dropped me at the hospital and drove DS1 to their house only for them to keep him there for 1 ½ hrs trying to calm DS1 down and then eventually at 10pm at night say that actually they both had early starts in the morning and so they drove him to his grandparents house (PIL ¾ hr away).  They have a little girl whos 3 and DS’s cousins and they have seen her once since Xmas – FIL came into work a few weeks back and gave me a photo of her to give to DS1 and he had no idea who she was and yet hes seen my nieces in the UK 3 times this year and talks to them constantly on the phone.

I work for SIL and her hubbie and had bleeding at 28 weeks pregnant and a kidney infection and took 1 day off work (only time in pregnancy) and she made me get a medical note from the Dr.   Despite the fact that I had been crying hysterically on MIL the night before and that the lads in the office said that I looked like death warmed up.  Also I have recently been having bleeding after going to the loo and have now been referred for a colonoscopy and needed to take 1 ½ hrs off work to go to see the consultant and she docked my pay for this – I always work at least 15 mins beyond my finish time every day.

I used to go to PIL’s house at least twice a month so that they could see DS’s but I have had enough of always doing the running.  I haven’t been for the past 6 weeks and FIL comes into work every Monday and asks when I am coming over – every time I invite them to our house for their tea and everytime they say they can’t as they are busy gardening and sorting out the house.  I also used to call them every week and have stopped and they haven’t called us for 6 weeks.   DS2 now has chickenpox and I have had 3 hrs sleep max each night for the past 3 nights and DH called his Mum last night but again no asking if I need anything.  I am sick of it when I have a Mum and sister who would do anything for us. 

SIL from the States is over at the end of Nov and I am dreading it.  SIL who I work for is due a baby in the next week and I just know that the babies christening will be then and to be honest I don’t want to go to it but DH thinks that we should go. 

We had a huge row about it last night as I feel that he should stick up for us and yet he won’t.  I feel that he should have said something to his sister about my medical note and to his brother about turning their godchild away late at night and not coming to see our baby who is now 9 months old.   I have been the only person ever to tell PIL that I thought their behaviour was unacceptable and I think that I may have annoyed the other brothers and sisters by doing so but to be honest I didn’t let rip at all and now wish I had said a hell of a lot more. 

I have tried so hard and am getting so upset about it.  I do love my DH but I am getting really fed up with it all.  I even put together a goodie bag of things for my SIL to take into hosp when she has her baby.  I lived with a guy in my early 20’s for 2 years and had a superb relationship with his parents – we used to holiday together so honestly think that I am a nice person and easy to get on with.

Should I be mad with DH for not sticking up for us?  They are a family set in their ways and I can see why he doesn’t want to rock the boat but at the same time I also think that you have to stick up for your little unit.  After our row last night DH said that if DS1’s godparents (BIL and wife) send DS1 a birthday present next week that he will send it back but I don’t think that’s a good idea either – it will come back on us and I don’t want grand gestures just to get on some sort of even keel.  

I think to be honest that we would be better in the UK away from this and with all my extended family around but we are in massive –ve equity on our house and I am scared of making such a big move but at the same time I am fed up of this.  

Sorry for rambling on it just upsets me so much as I feel it’s a big fingers up at my boys as well as me.  Its not helping that the Dr’s in the UK think my Mum may be having a relapse of her MS and so she was meant to be flying in tonight for DS1’s birthday but won’t be now so don’t know if I am being irrational because of that or if I do have a point.  PIL live 30 mins away and I doubt that we will get a phone call from them for DS1’s birthday and I know they won’t visit despite receiving an invite!