Hi - I'm looking for some advice please. I have been with my husband for ten years and we have been married for 5. We have a gorgeous 3 year old daughter but my husband changed when she was born. When my husband is in a good mood, its great; he plays with our daughter and its lovely to hear them laughing together; but when he is stressed (most days) he is constantly on at her; "don't do that", "Oh for f**** sake!" he talks to her like she's a wayward teenager instead of a toddler. I feel I have to step in because she starts crying and then we argue because he says I take her side. I tell him that shes only 3! He swears, says he's going to smack her bum and sometimes kicks her toys. Two minutes later he'll be offering to make a cup of tea, like a switch has been flipped and a new man is in my house.

I have been on antidepressants for the last year. Since giving birth he has made comments about my body - sagging breasts and weight. He said no one else would want me now I have baggage. I am reluctant to have sex with him (wonder why) and feel like its just another chore in my household duties. In the summer I bumbed into a old flame that I hadn't seen for 10 years. We had coffee and swapped a few emails; my husband went mad and read all emails, now I am not allowed to have any contact with my old friend.

I don't know what to do; his behaviour worries me, our daughter doesn't deserve to be shouted at and she worships her daddy. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of molehill. Is my husbands behaviour normal? Please help.

hi there,

i am so sorry this is happening.

how can you "take her side" like you said, she is only 3. you are not taking her side you are being her mummy! thats what mummies do!

he sounds like he has some kind of insecurity issues. Your body is going to look different after having a baby. it normal! sounds to me like you need more support than he is giving, and i know what you mean about the sex! its just like staring at a massive pile of washing up sometimes isnt it? lol

if you can sit down and talk about his behaviour, (without it sounding like your picking- men always assume you enjoy having "a go"!) then maybe you might get some answers as to why he reacts the way he does to her.

sounds like you could do with some support anyway, from someone outside the family?

dont let him make you feel like this, you are doing the best for your daughter by being loving to her.

as for the "old flame" does he not realise that maybe you just wanted to feel "wanted"

i personally think he feels threatened and insecure (by a 3 year old) omg men! and shouldnt she be the one that kicks her toys!?lol

be strong and feel free to email me if you need to rant off at someone or just need a chat.

all the best

lucy

It sounds like you have to go along with whatever mood he is in,  - he needs time out not your daughter.  Seriously, this is all totally unacceptable. My ex used to yell and swear that I was siding with whichever child was brave enough to stand up to his perfectionist criticisms, and therefore undermining him, too right I was - my kids didn't need more nonsense but more support and understanding.

I spent alot of time after I ended our marriage reading up on emtional abuse, and perfectionism and most importantly narcisism. There are ways to stand up to this kind of behaviour, take back the power and confidence in yourself and show that you will not tolerate one more day of this behaviour. Remember it's what he does not what he says. I would firstly recommend you see a counsellor, without telling him, for you only to help get your self esteem and resolve and independence back, then it'll be easier to stand up to him emotionally, of course if he becomes physical then you get yourself and your daughter away asap, because that is another thing that you will not tolerate. 

Good luck and take care,