Hi there everyone

I hope you don’t mind me posting here, but I really need some advice or thoughts as I’m..well..at the end of my tether.

I’ve known my guy since December 08 – he lives in the US and I’m in the UK.  We got to know each other really well via an internet forum and decided we wanted to give things a go – I was really happy as I think he’s a great guy – kind, funny and just basically lovely – and felt a ‘connection’ with him (yes, I know it sounds clichéd), and I think he felt the same.  We met up in April (I travelled over to the US) and had a wonderful time – if anything, it was better than I hoped it would be, and I had worried my expectations were too high!

Anyway, fast forward to today, and I’m really struggling.  He had told me he’d come to see me in June (which didn’t happen because he had to work a couple of weeks with no pay).  When this didn’t happen, we arranged to see each other in October – he was going to come over to see me and we’d both booked a week off to do that.  In August of this year, he had problems with his car, meaning that all his savings that had been put aside to pay for a ticket went on that instead.  I was really upset at this point, and questioned whether it was worth carrying on.  Initially, I thought we should split up, but..thinking about..I thought I hadn’t been very understanding; it wasn’t like the car problem was anything he could do anything about, and I think he was probably as upset about it as I was.

However, in the past few weeks, things seem to have got more difficult.  I tend to wait up for him so we can talk.  In the past, he would text me if he was going to be late so I didn’t stay up unnecessarily.  However, this seems to have stopped – I often stay up and don’t catch him - and I just don’t feel he’s that interested; he doesn’t seem to want to give me any time.  I understand he’s busy and I’m glad that he’s got a busy social life, but I just wonder where I fit into that?  I’m aware that, earlier on in this relationship, he’d make time for me, no matter how busy he was, and that seems to have gone.  Now, if he has spare time, it seems like I’m the last person he wants to spend time with.  I don’t want to call a halt to things prematurely (particularly as I know we discussed this fairly recently), but I’m also finding this hard.  I know that I’ve retreated a bit because I don’t feel he’s interested anymore, but I don’t know how to bring this up, particularly as he’s not around much for us to actually talk.  When I did mention this to him recently, he said he never thought he would get to the point of not having time for a relationship (!), but that he didn’t want to lose me.  After his conversation, I pulled back a bit to give him a chance to come to me, if it was something he wanted, and the contact has dropped through the floor.

I know it probably sounds like I’m rambling, and I apologise for it, but I’m feeling really hurt at the moment and am worried I’ll lash out at him, which I obviously don’t want to do.

Any thoughts would be welcome!

Thanks

Hello, and welcome to the board!

I'm Kelly, and I'm the CL (community leader) for this board. I'm very soon to be 30, and live in Holland with my ex-LDR who is now my hubby! We also have a 22 month old daughter. We had an LDR for 10 months before i'd had enough and moved from England to be with him.

Has you LDR been in contact at all with you since you posted? It seems to me a bit strange why he suddenly stopped letting you know what was going on. Maybe he feel's guilty for letting you down twice, and doesn't know what to say to you? Maybe a really heartfelt e-mail would be the way to ask what is exactly going on in his head, as I find with letters and e-mails you can say a lot more than you ever could over the phone, or face to face.

Maybe that way you would be able to find out exactly what is going on, as it does seem that he was really interested in you. Especially if you both had such a fantastic time together in April.

Hope that helps a bit, and please feel free to keep posting, even f it is just to rant!

CL On Long Distance Love http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-ukrllongdist/

Hi Kelly

Thanks a lot for your reply – I appreciate it.

I have been in contact with J since I posted here – I caught him on IM and we had a chat.  I did raise one of my concerns (about his comment re: having time); he stated that he only said this in response to a question and got a bit defensive about my interpretation, so I let it drop.

I take your point about emailing.  I guess I’m a bit hesitant to do it as I’ve emailed him a few times in the past about my concerns; they change for a short time, but then things seem to ‘slip’, if that makes sense?  From that, I’ve lost a bit of confidence to raise things with him and I don’t want my only emails to him to be raising issues as this is supposed to be fun!  I know this is probably not good for us as I had always been extremely honest with him.  As I feel him slip away, I’m less happy to put myself on the line.  Sounds lame, huh?  In fact, I read that back, and I could kick myself that I’ve become like this.

Thanks again for your advice – it gives me something to think about.

L