Hello all..

Can take no more!!!! Had to contact you for some opinions, advice.

How do I make my husband understand me???

We have had several issues over which there has been heated debate and quite simply, my husband just doesn't understand my reasons for getting upset about something.  These are things which to me are important to discuss and I have every right to feel.  He isn't British, not that that matters too much, but when I'm upset or angry he pretends not to verbally understand me either which just infuriates me... talk about a good way to diffuse a situation or, in my case, just makes me more and more frustrated.

I try to explain simply but in psychological terms, why I'm feeling like I do.. trying to validate myself but he just smiles at me and says... darling, you're over analysing... dont think so deeply... it's nothing...  you're imagining it... so and so wouldn't do that.... (issues have been about his family and of course they are all saints!). 

I just feel I'm talking to a brick wall... I simply cannot get him to understand simple psychology so he can see what's beneath the surface and finally empathise with me.  To him, everyone is sooo good, they never do anything wrong so it's all in my head.  And he just thinks he can smooth my mood by smiling sweetly, sometimes a hug, or a patronising email from the lounge, to me in the bedroom fuming.. with..." hello my love, how are you??"  It's like he's asking... how are you feeling now... any better,?? as if I have an illness.  Grrrrrrrrrr!!!

Really, because of his insensitivity its making me feel not very close to him at the moment - if these issues aren't resolved then bigger problems will raise their heads as a result.

Would love to hear your thoughts..

Feli xx

Hi,

Welcome to the board.  Well I can imagine a few women were nodding their heads in agreement. How often are these arguements/debates?

A lot of men do not like confrontation particulary with woman and find it easier just to agree and smile and say nice things (my dh is also guilty of that). He may be scared to say what he feels back to you because he is scared of losing you. On a quieter moment it may be worth explaining that in such situations you would rather he says what he feels then try and avoid the subject. Explain that yes you may not agree with what he said but you still love him and respect him for being honest. In counselling terms, your feels are 'your truth'. He may think you are imagining asituation etc but in your head your feelings are real and that  is 'your truth' and that matters.

I hope you manage to break through the layers soon,

Melx

Hi Mel, and thanks for your reply.

Well, this has all come in nicely for me with the start of the menopause so you may imagine that it's not a fun time LOL.. but I have to try to deal with this and be tolerant or try to calm down when an issue causes me irritation and then calmly have a word with DH.  I still need to try to persuade him that there are valid reasons why people do things, consciously or unconsciously and that's what he fails to understand, especially where certain people are concerned.  Honestly, even now I'm questioning whether I'm imagining something but no... I'm not.  He tends to look at certain parts of life with rose-coloured lenses, or with head in the sand.

So for now, things are ok.. I'm through my dark tunnel (hormones have settled once more!) and will see what happens next time something crops up.. try to find ways to make him understand.  And I have a cunning plan!! LOL

I do agree with you, some men can be totally unsensitive and really you do feel like you are completely separate species.  Why can't men be more like women!!!

Hugs

Feli xx