Hello all….

Hope you don't mind, but i posted this originally on family issues board but as i'm not sure how many views that gets and as I'm sort of exasperated with situation, thought I'd post it here too... this and my other post are really quite relevant!!

Well, I’m looking for some thoughts on the following.

I am married, 6 months, to an arab man..  that’s another story LOL… but suffice to say, he’s a good man, no problems there.. and because of the culture and their personal situation, his sister lives with us.  First of all, oh now I’m digressing and having a gripe.. when we met he said his sister would stay with us some of the time and some of the time with his other sister.  When we were married, I found out she would be staying permanently!  We argued and argued over what he said.. he didn’t say she would be staying permanently!!  We concluded it was lost in translation but hmmm, I’m not so sure about that.  His other sister and her family live next door so it’s ok.. sometimes the live-in sister in law does go next door, but anyway, as I said, I’m digressing. And the live-in sister is another story, of which I have many!!! J

Well, the other sister has a 1 year old child.  Now the live-in sister has never married so has no children.  It is unlikely she will ever marry.. she is 47 and once you get past 30 in their culture, you basically will never marry.  Apparently she had plenty of suitors but she was “too fussy”.   She is always with the child, carrying it around, taking it for walks, everything.

So, carrying on… the child is a little boy and is adorable so of course, me, not having children, and unlikely too either having now at the age of 43 started the menopause, really love to see it and when I can, get a change to play with him and teach him English LOL.  A while back, visiting the other sister next door, I took the opportunity to hold the child.  No sooner was he on my lap was he taken away by the live-in sister who then sat herself holding him and I just sat there flummoxed and a little embarrassed and confused.  Why did she do that?  I spoke to my husband about it, he just said you’re just analysing too much.  Then whenever both sisters are busy and someone has to hold the baby, he’s given to my husband who really doesn’t have much time for young children.

Today we all went out and I pushed the child in the pram out into the lobby, the live-in-sister giving me a strange look so I thought, ok.. that’s enough, give her the pram!  Again, someone needed to hold the child so instead of giving him to me, and I was sitting right next to her, she reached over me and gave the child to my husband.

Other instances, when the child reaches out to me, she never lets me hold him.. just holds him away from her enough so he can touch me, but never gives him to me.

It really does now annoy me especially when I’ve related all the above to my husband and he just says I’m being silly when I say there’s something psychological going on here with her, me and the child i.e. she feels threatened.

For my part, it makes me sad because I really love children and he’s the closest thing I have to having one of my own.  I don’t want  to take it for walks like she does, but just to be able to hold him now and again without the live-in sister being so possessive.  Funny thing is, the mother is completely opposite – she gives him to me to hold and play with… today was a prime example, he was sitting on my lap in the car, whilst it was parked, laughing away playing with the windscreen wipers… just, me, my husband, and the mother – the live-in sister was shopping.  As soon as she was back in though, baby was on her lap.

Is it me… am I over-reacting.. paranoid or is something going on here.. ?

Thanks for your thoughts…

Feli xx

Hi

OK, I think the problem *is* culture here. The fact that you're not listened to, that you are sidelined by some of the family, the fact that you live NEXT door, the fact that one of the sisters live WITH you against your wishes....

Not sure what you can do about it - I think cultural & religious differences tend not to go away.

If you're H is serious about your happiness, suggest that you go to relate so you can talk with someone impartial there.

As for SIL - just ignore the weird one and use the opportunities you get to hold your little nephew.

Hope this helps
Liz

Hi Liz,

Thanks for the replying and for reading my other post.

Well, we are all Muslim - I converted last year - not for DH - I only met him this year, so religion isn't the issue.  But certainly it could be cultural.  For my H, his parents are dead and as the oldest male, he has to look after his sisters so he says he has no choice but to have his unmarried sister living with us.  Hmmm.  Ok.

As for ignoring her, I can't.  This just raises the hackles I'm afraid, and going through the menopause I can be the woman from hell LOL... the issues that are here just simmer away instead of being dealt with.  DH just can't see that thre's a problem with his sister, that's what gets me... it's all in my head!  He just says, what's the problem?!  He patronises me or really he cannot understand.  But I was thinking more like, if she's unmarried, has no husband, no child, no one to 'call her own', and I come in, with the child taking a liking to me, is she going to feel threatened, after all, her other sister is married, I'm married etc., we 'have' something... is this why she's possessive?  This is what I'm trying to get my husband to simply see that this could be the case, not to do anything about it, but if he could just agree and understand then maybe he'd appreciate how I feel.  It's very very frustrating.

Not sure what to do either except wait for the next time it comes up and blow my socket.

Thanks again Liz, xx

Hi,

Well Ive read through this a few times and my first thoughts were just to ignore her which you are right you cannot do as she is very much in your life.

What a lucky boy having all these people who love him so much!

It sounds like in a way you and this woman have a lot in common, you both adore this little boy and you both have no children and this child brings a lot of love and delight you your lives.

She probably does see you as a 'rival' in this lads affections as you said yourself you feel he is the closest thing you will have and she probably does too.

Could you try talking to this lady, perhaps you could speak of how you are not likly to have children now and maybe you could both engage in a conversation so she understands how much you enjoy this chaps company as much as she does, that you would never crash in on her quality time with him as you know that is important to her as it is to you, but you appreciate a bit of time with him too. Maybe suggest you both take him out for the day and give mum a break. Trust me two people looking after a child on a trip out is far easier, and it would give you a chance to get to know her and vice versa.

I think a gentle approach is best, she probably is quite lonley and needs someone to understand her. If you can get through to her it mey help,

Good luck,

Melx

Hi again Mel,

Thanks for your reply...

Yes, we do have a lot in common but really, I do have a problem with having another woman in my home and I'm sorry but I just can't help it.  For me the issue just gets bigger and bigger unfortunately and I know it's ridiculous, she's my husband's sister - he's her big brother... so yes, she's going to want to speak to him, follow him around the house etc., but this does teensy weensy rankle with me. 

There have been two incidences, and ok, i'm digressing a little now, maybe I'll post a separate message about this, where hubby has innocently overstepped the boundaries... such as suggesting he ask his sister advice about a cooking problem (bugs in the flour).. when I knew perfectly well what to do... and the second, he has a hole in his trousers so I said I'd sew it, but he suggested his sister as she has a sewing machine.  I know this is irrational but I have to feel I come first as his wife!  But he has to understand my role in this home and respect that, not undermine me by consulting his sister.

Anyway, to the main issue.  It happened again tonight.  The sister brought in the boy for us to see, I had computer on my lap, hubby was sitting next to me.  The boy reached out to me.. she held on to him so my hubby told her to give him to him and the look on her face was not good.  Hubby sat the boy inbetween us and we made a fuss of him, I love to make him laugh, and she was looking at him laughing with a very sour yet sad face.  When she left I asked hubby what he had said to her (they both were speaking arabic) and he said, to give him to me as you had the computer.  But perhaps a little of what I've been saying to hubby has gone in.

But I'm going to say to him, the next time she gets you to look after him for five mins.. tell her to give him to me and watch her face.

I can understand if she feels threatened - her sister is pregnant again so what is she going to do then.. give up the little boy and want a new baby to cuddle?

I really don't mind too much it's just that to me it's so obvious and makes me feel a bit awkward especially when she does this in front of others.

I'm struggling with the dynamics of our home at the moment and trying to be more tolerant but I am simply not used to having someone else in the home, as well as my husband... two's company etc.  We are only married 6 months and still need that quality time together.

Sorry, hope I don't sound mean..

Hugs

Feli xx