Hi everyone,

Newbie here who's been reading, following several threads. There's a lot of painfully learned wisdom out there, and I wish I'd come earlier. So many parts of stories and feelings seem familiar, which could be my story too, but still I feel alone. What I hate is the feeling that I'm a cliche, but there is a part of me that still hopes this would be different, and something will happen that will unite MM and me. Hope to find friends here, and support...

So here's the story thus far, which I'll try to keep short and sweet.

C and I are both married (to others). We met as friends during a course. He was taking the course with his GF (whom he broke up with shortly after), and I was there alone. It wasn't love at first sight, but during the course we were in the same group and got to know each other. He was always flirty (he's flirty in general), I'm shy, but we had fun learning together and that was how it stayed for a long time. We progressed to the intermediate session of the course (this is now after 1 year), and only then we started opening up and having more deeper conversations, and then became intimate. We never used the word 'love', we never talked about leaving our marriages. We knew we were each unhappy in our own marriages (he married for 17 years, me about 18 years) but it was something we didn't talk about when we were together. But after 2 years of being lovers, we finally admitted our feelings to each other. It came as a shock and a relief and it made us scared. A relief to finally be able to say what we felt, that we loved each other, but also a shock to actually hear each other say it, and it was scary because: what do we do from here? Which is where we are now. I told myself that we had to distance ourselves so that we could think about what we wanted to do...so we agreed that we would give each other until the New Year to explore our feelings by ourselves and to sort our lives. No contact at all. He agreed reluctantly, but we didn't really have any other option because when we sat together and tried to sort our feelings, we;d both end up crying, confused and overwhelmed. So this would be our breather...and we'd start 2010 finally knowing...

It's a long time until NYD, and here I am now, wondering what he's thinking, feeling, whether he does love me (I know this sounds bad, but it's just doubts that come when I'm alone) or was it an infatuation, whether he will leave his family. I know I could leave...I've already spent enough time thinking by myself to come to that conclusion, but I don't know about him. I didn't want to say 'leave your wife'. I never said that. I just want us to come to a conclusion independently, not coerced by the other...but is that silly? For him it is more difficult (and I guess this is the part which will get him no sympathy!), but he is one of those big city bankers whom everyone hates now, and I suspect what he fears is how a divorce is going to impact on his life, economically and all. My closest male friend says that C is just using me and only agreed to the separation so as to 'let me down easy'. My best girlfriend says the opposite. She says that when she sees us together, she sees our deep bond. As for me, I want to believe it's love. I'm not his usual type (he had previous girlfriends, but they were always glamorous model types). I'm an artist, make jewelery and small things. Not rich, but fiercely independent, and never expected him to shower gifts, etc. I know for him I was very different from the people he socialises with: the rich, successful, beautiful... My circle is more bohemian: artists, writers, musicians... but we connected somehow, by some mysterious bond tho we're very different.

And so this where we are now: trying to sort things out. Waiting is hard. Waiting to learn the outcome is hard. But in the mean time, doubts creep in. He is my first affair. I'm far from his first (another reason why my male friend says I'm very naive!). What can I do while waiting?

Hi and welcome to the board :-)

Before I respond in any detail, I wanted to clarify a couple of points. How long has the affair been going on? And has he had other affairs since yours began?

Love,

Thank you for the welcome, Shemy

The affair has been going on now for about 4 years, though the first year there wasn't anything emotional, we were just two people who happened to be on a course together. No, he hasn't had any other affairs since ours began, though as I'd mentioned, he has had affairs in the past.

xx Izzy

Hi Izzy

So when you met him, he was with one of his other OWs? The fact that he presented her as his girlfriend suggests to my mind that he's someone who is in the habit of getting intensely involved with other women behind his wife's back. Had that not been the case, you might have been able to convince yourself that your affair is different because the others were just about sex whereas yours is an emotional attachment, but I think it's safe to say that you're not the first full blown relationship he's had with another woman. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour, so I think your male friend is right in saying that your affair is going nowhere.

I hate to say it, but I think it's true - your situation is cliched. I've read hundreds of stories like yours over the years and they rarely end in a fully committed relationship. Mostly they just end in tears with families being torn apart.

I guess you must enjoy the relationship more than you hate being the cliche.

Love,

Hi Shemy,

I guess my confusion lies when I have to sort through his past and present behaviour (don't know about the future), and if it had been consistent I would be less confused, but there has been a difference.

When we first met, he never really introduced me to OW (she wasn't at the course), though he alluded to her, and it wasn't only after that relationship had ended that we started ours, though it wasn't as back to back as it sounds.

He says that his other affairs have been mostly physical, and short-lived, with ours being emotional and longer (indeed it has), and it's the only one that has made him think of leaving his marriage. He says that I'm his best friend, the one who makes him laugh, who tells him what he's like (i.e. "money isn't everything, you know", etc). He admits his marriage was one of convenience and social standing. Yes, I know this is the part that is repeated a million times through history. But if the following is the only indication of his commitment, he agreed to professional help (and I know this is a first for him), and we started going to a relationship counselor to talk about our affair. Indeed the counselor said that he had 'quite a number of issues' etc, and suggested that he undergo therapy separately to sort out his life. So that is why we have this separation. The counselor specifically said I was not to interfere, that he should have the time and space to think and analyse his feelings.

That's the only 'thing' I have to differentiate his feelings for me from the previous OWs. I know people will say it's not much... but I guess you are right, that I love the relationship more than being a cliche...

So from your experience...this isn't going to work? I'm being played and best to walk away and forget completely? I've never been in this situation before.