Hi,

I'm new to Ivillage but have been posting recently on the Confession Corner board and The  Highs and Lows of Being in a Relationship- some people kindly suggested that I might seek  advice from here.

To cut a longer story shorter, on a recent business trip away, I slept with one of my managers. He is 11 years older than me- no big deal as my boyfriend up until recently was 9 years older- I usually date older guys. The problem is that he is married (6 years, no kids) and I was in a 2 year relationship.

I have to admit that I could tell that he was strongly attracted to me for several months and I to him. But everything was kept professional at work even though there was an attraction (which seems to be fairly normal when men and women work together). 

On the night that it happened, the drinks were flowing but I cannot use the defence that I didn't know what I was doing- I did, and so did he. He was very insistent on getting intimate and I was too weak to resist his advances (and had been secretly wanting him but would never have acted upon my feelings). When it was happening, I kept stopping him from going further with reminders about it being wrong and that he was married and i in a relationship. but it didn't stop him or me. i was too weak. and now i feel weaker. I think he felt bad after the incident but has now adopted a 'no point in feeling bad about it' approach cos he has to live with the guilt etc.

Now I'm really in trouble as I have started to have proper feelings for him. Straight after the incident, I broke it off with my boyfriend (I had wanted to end it for some time but couldn't even face that I had been unfaithful to my bf)- and I cannot get him or it out of my head. it's been several weeks now.

At first, I could barely look him in the eye at work but now things seem to be better than they were before- he smiles and I smile back and there is no fear of others finding out- I find it hard to deny my feelings for him and whilst he may have an inkling that I like him more than I should, I have never admitted it to him directly.  As soon as he heard about my splitting with my bf, he has been checking on me to see if i'm ok- am I totally stupid or does he in fact care a little about me? why would he even bother to check on me if he got all he wanted weeks ago? what's in it for him? i honestly don't think he's a complete b*stard but i already know what i am for doing that to someone else's husband (and i know what it feels like as i've been on the other side and been cheated on in a previous relationship).

I should probably mention that I am not a flirtatious person at all- he is totally full on and very attractive- particularly in terms of personality and charm. I don't really understand why, when he could have practically any woman- cos they all chase after him and he is quite the flirt- would he choose me to break his vows- I scream 'serious' and he has probably known me long enough to know that i'm not a casual woman like a lot of others who he could have easily have had.

i don't know what to do with myself now. i cannot even get him or it out of my head. stupidly enough, i cannot get the kisses that he gave me the day after out of my head (just lips, nothing else). why would he even bother to kiss me when he already got what he wanted? i know he probably sees it as in we both got something out of it but i also feel like i've lost a part of me, to him. now what do i do?

i invited everyone out for drinks at work recently- he heard about it and i told him he could come. he said that if it would be difficult for me, he wouldn't show and i told him not to be stupid- that if he felt uncomfortable around me, he shouldn't come. needless to say, he came. again needless to say, i was glad he came albeit for a short time. what is he playing at? what am I doing? i know it's wrong.

i don't think our work will be affected and i do not want to move. i am not vindictive and would never do anything to harm his position at work. i just wish i could get over my feelings. i know he will not leave his wife and that there won't be a happy ever after so how do i get over this?

thanks for your advice.
B_G xx

Hi BG and welcome to the board,

Jeez, your post was quite hard to decipher, you don't want him, but you do want him.

You can be work friends but you can't!!!!!!!!! You wanted to resist his advances, but you couldn't, but you did put up a little sort of defense, but then then the Mills & Boon bit crept in.

Now it appears that for him it was a one off thing but for you it's more, in fact so much more you've broken it off with your BF. But for him it's still a one time only thing, so it would appear that the only question here is?

Do you accept it for the one time only thing and move one

or

DO you in some way put the cat among the pigeons and tell his DP

My advice, in the great words of my son when I recently got dumped. Man up, accept it's over and move on.

 

CL on Coping with Infidelity, The Infidelity Debate, My Affair,  Families Affected by Addiction , Coping with a Crisis

Hi Karen,

Thanks for your reply. Err yes, that is the problem. I do want him but I know I shouldn't and i'm essentially asking for advice as to the best way to resolve the situation.

I would never tell his DP. it's not my place- after all he would have to own up to his own actions, not me.

Please note that I didn't break up with my bf because of him- i broke up because it was a long time coming and I would not be able to face the guilt of having cheated on my bf and carry on like nothing happened. The whole situation isn't me- it is completely out of character and I'm lost as to what to do. Never done the whole casual thing and never had to deal with the consequences of it before now. Hence the array of different feelings.

I just wanted to get my thoughts down quickly and realise that they are completely subjective and in an order that is hard to follow- such is my confusion at the current situation that I am faced with. Sorry if you found it hard to follow. don't affairs or doesn't infidelity do that to people? surely, it's not so clear cut?! I hope i'm not expected to come on this board knowing exactly what is black and white- because what would be the point of posting? I just wanted to write down everything I was feeling.

Thanks for the reply anyway.
B_G xx

And (in addition to the very wise words of cl-syrah) if he does decide that he fancies a repeat performance or three because he's over the 'guilt', think very carefully about whether you not only want to be his mistress but whether you can actually handle the reality of being his bit on the side.

Read the posts on this board just so you can learn and cogitate before you next struggle (and fail!) to 'resist his advances'.

IEM

You are exactly right BG, but as to the best way to resolve the situation????

Well that's so easy in theory, go tell him to take a running jump. But hell it's a damn sight harder to do in practise, so they tell me.

Your choice, short term pain for long time gain.,

 

CL on Coping with Infidelity, The Infidelity Debate, My Affair,  Families Affected by Addiction , Coping with a Crisis