Hi all,

I have been lurking and keep chickening out of posting as I suppose I know the answers myself, but I just think I need to put things down in writing. I started writing this the other day, so it has taken me a while to put it all down! It is very long...sorry!

I am a single parent and have been on my own for 4 years, and not slept with anyone for this amount of time until MM came along. So yes I am lonely and to add to things I very rarely go out as I have no family around to babysit, so meeting someone is impossible. But I know that is no excuse for seeing a MM…..

He is someone I used to know years ago and was my F buddy back then (not married then) but we lost contact. He lives a good 3 hours drive away from me so it was never going to come of anything. Anyway due to the internet we started chatting again and he said he was visiting this area one weekend and would I like to meet for a catch up drink, which I agreed to. We had a great evening out, catching up over the years, but in the pub he kissed me, and it ended up with him coming back to mine and us sleeping together. Yes, I knew it was wrong but it felt so nice to have some male company and attention, and it felt easy with someone I knew from before, comfortable.

I did not expect to see him again due to him being married, the distance and he is very busy in his job. But I did hear from him again a few days later with him phoning me. He said he had enjoyed his evening with me (I bet he did!) and if I wanted he would be down in a few months time due to business and would be great to meet up again. I know it is wrong but I said it would be nice to see him.

But I did not have to wait a few more months to hear from him, he started sending texts to me every few days and a few phone calls a week, and he came and stayed with me less than two weeks later. This has continued ever since, him staying overnight with me every few weeks. Last week he paid for me to go to a very expensive hotel with him, money to get there and money to treat myself to a dress and whatever else I wanted. It was a wonderful night apart from when he disappeared twice to phone home, which I do expect as he is a MM after all and as he does it when he stays with me. But for the first time it bothered me.

The point I want to get to is that all of a sudden my emotions have got in the way. I thought I had got away with not feeling too much about things, or have been kidding myself I can see this man on such a casual basis and be fine with it. But for the first time I sat an cried about things last Saturday. I hated it when he had to go off to make those phone calls at the hotel, at one point just when things were getting passionate with us! Before I was never worried about it. I have never felt jealous of his wife until now. I have seen photo’s of her and his family and she looks lovely, and so do his children. I would never want to destroy that. So why when I feel like that, and I know I can never be with him do I care so much about him? Is it because I am so lonely? If I had a more fulfilled life and getting on with things maybe I would not be sitting here feeling like I am? Also why would I want to be with him anyway? If he cheats on his wife so why would I want to be with a man who is so deceitful. I am not sure I want to be with him anyway! I just really enjoy seeing him and his company, and the attention he gives me. If that goes I am going to feel quite alone, I had got used to being alone prior to him, but now I have him around every so often if makes life that bit more bearable.

He says he has a good relationship with his wife, but just says sex has diminished a bit since his two children were born. He has always been ‘honest’ with me in that he has never promised me anything, never said anything bad about his wife, and that the only think lacking a bit is their sex life. He has said that he does have emotions when it comes to me and I have said back that I do like him of course, otherwise I would not be seeing him.

He got a bit jealous the other week when he found out a male friend of mine was staying over (he was just a friend nothing in it), and I said the only thing he was jealous of was the thought of me having sex with someone else. He said he is not just seeing me for that, and that he likes the ‘whole package’, everything about me. But even if he does have slight feelings for me, what is the point…he is married, he says his relationship is good with his wife, he has a lot involved emotionally and financially so it is never going to be anymore than sex and some escapism. We have fantastic sex, the best I have ever had with someone. Funny thing is he always has called me his F buddy until last week when he said maybe he has just used those words to 'kid himself' about things.

I wish I had not got involved as I can feel my heart strings being pulled, which is something I never wanted to happen. I am quite an emotional person so should have stopped kidding myself from the start that I could have a fling with a MM and not feel anything. But the thought of not seeing him again makes me very sad, but I know the best thing would be to put a stop to it now before the tears really do start flowing.

Adding onto this today I am sitting here very sad. He has not been in contact since our hotel meet last week, which is unlike him. I actually text him this morning, which is a rarity, saying ‘hey, you are very quiet since last week, hope you are ok’, and have had no response. Also he was due down this Thursday which he cancelled last week as his work plans had changed and he would be too busy.

Reading back on what I have written I am a complete idiot seeing this man, but we do get on and we do have fun together. I know he is having his cake and eating it. My goodness he has the perfect mistress in me in that I never phone him, very rarely text him unless he has text me, the ball is in his court. I have not really shown my emotions and would not dare tell him I have strong feelings for him.

So Miss Idiot is sitting here feeling sorry for herself and very rejected, when before I would not have felt like this. God I feel so pathetic and needy all of a sudden. I thought I was stronger than this.

Please talk some sense into me as I feel very alone at the moment and have no-one to talk to or someone’s shoulder to cry on.

Dotty

Hi Dotty and welcome to the board.

In a nutshell, yes, I think you are doing this because you are lonely. But why are you lonely? Okay, so you're a single Mum, but plenty of single Mums find relationships these days! I have a friend at work who is divorced and has two young children but she's not about feeling sorry for herself! She went out and got life; joined a singles club and then a couple of reputable dating sites and met her current partner on a dating site. He has a daughter so he understands being a single parent and they fit dating around the children. They go out to dancing classes together, go out for meals when their children are with their exes and generally have fun together. The world is your oyster, especially now that we have the internet, so why settle for a married man?

I think it's significant that you used to be f-buddies. Perhaps that suited you at the time but it doesn't now, because what you want now is a relationship. He, however, still sees you as a f-buddy, even more so because he's married. Of course he's going to utter sweet nothings about you being more because you've known each other for a long time and why would he want to come across as cruel? However, I think he's starting to develop a conscience (either about his wife or about you, or both) because he's now backing off and I think the reason he's backing off is that he knows you want more than you always had together, i.e. f-buddies. You've moved the goalposts and you don't need to tell him that because he knows.

Your choice is to either not be true to yourself and pretend you're happy with the status quo or move on and get a man who is yours, all yours and no-one else's who can spend the night with you and love you properly. If that's what you want, it'll require effort but I know I'd be making that effort in your shoes.

Love,

Hi Dotty

Just over a month ago I was where you are, infatuated, loving the affection and attention which had been lacking from my own life for so long but I was also spending a huge amount of time incredibly worried and stressed out.  If I sent a text I got paranoid that his wife would see it (she had seen a couple previously - don't ask, it wasn't pretty), I couldn't call him or make contact with him and the affair was on his terms, fitting me into his life when it suited him.  I started to realise I was being used despite him telling me how much he cared for me, loved being with me, I was the only thing that made him happy and so on. 

I ended it the day he told me he loved me as I realised he didn't, he was never going to leave his wife and would do anything to save his marriage with no regard to my feelings and I realised I wanted better for myself than that.  Him telling me he loved me seemed like the biggest lie going...love to me isn't words to be used as emotional blackmail to keep someone interested and hanging in there.  I'm no innocent in the affair, I knew he was married,  I didn't set out to seduce him from his wife but it took me 9 months to find the strength to end it and walk away.  I've since made the effort to go on a couple of dates, looked at online dating sites and made the effort to go out if I've been invited with friends.   

How do I feel now?  I miss him and I miss the friend he was, he was there for me when my mum died and I'll always be grateful for that but I'm relaxed and happier.  I used to find in the midst of the affair I was happy for the few hours I was with him each week but the rest of it I spent fretting about when I would hear from him next, if people knew and so on.  I won't go back there, I know I'm worth more.  He still sends the odd text and I don't reply, he knows it's over and he knows I won't change my mind but I want this space to forget we were ever more than friends.  We may rebuild a friendship but never anything more.

You get harsh advice on here...kind of blunt, hard hitting home truths.  They hurt and they're hard to take at times but it all made sense.  You can't get away from the guilt of hurting another woman by sleeping with her husband and you can't get away from all the insecurity that comes from having an affair with a married man and wondering what he's doing when he's not with you. 

For your own sanity I'd escape!  Put yourself out there on the dating scene, you never know when a great, single guy is going to walk into your life.  Someone who can give you a proper, lasting, trusting relationship rather than little scraps when it suits them.

Hope that helps, trust me I know where you are and what you're going through!

Hugs, Hoppity x

Hi Hoppity

You seem to of been dragged into (although you do explain it wasn't kicking and screaming)an affair, but more by words and BS.

CL on Coping with Infidelity, The Infidelity Debate, My Affair,  Families Affected by Addiction , Coping with a Crisis

Hi
The first step to happiness(true happiness) is the realization that you deserve more...the path to happiness is hard and it's up to you to end your misery by stopping this affair.

What you have is the equivalent of living off someone else's left-overs. A secret existence living under the couple's dining table where noone can see you and you have no idea what is happening up top. You dine on the leftovers that MM serves you when he wishes that is...so the rest of the time you are left hungry...thinking the scraps you had (reheated in the microwave sometimes or just served warm or cold) were nice and filling at the time.

But most of the time you have no idea when the next meal will be or what you will be served. He decides whether you will have just the remains of the starter, main course or dessert. You would be so lucky if he served up the scraps from all the courses.As long as you are kept barely alive he is content to throw the scraps at you to keep going....when you seem thin and on the brink of starvation he leaves more from his plate to serve you that bit more... But remember he will only throw scraps once the DW is looking away or when she leaves the room. She is his priority...she gets fed first.

Up top you know they are eating as you hear the clink of china and silver ware...no idea whether they are holding hands or kissing or feeding each other strawberries and cream...but you wait eagerly for the next scrap to be thrown at you.
The sad thing is you are free to walk out from under that table....walk up straighten yourself and live as other people live and to dine from your own table!

How long will you be content to keep waiting for the scraps?

TSx