good afternoon all

i hope you are well. I dont post here much only lurk really, so just to give you some info here goes.

Engaged to partner and been together 3 1/2 years and thought we were blissfully happy. Partner works away for long periods at a time. Start getting friendly with single older man at work and things get heated. I think about him constantly and for the past 7 months we have been having an affair.

Somedays have been easy and i think i can continue to have 2 lives running along next to eachother and then others are hell. Older man holds alot of guilt over his ex-partner who passed away last year after a long battle with cancer. She always wanted to marry him but he admits that had she not have got terminally sick they would have never stayed together. Because of this he does everything for her children - who are both in their 20's and goes above and beyond what is required. He takes the eldest one to all social events (of which he attends alot ) and took her on holiday recently as well. I have no problem with this to a degree, but have finally lost it as i think that occasionally i should be asked to accompany him and he never does.

So we have now fallen out, will not speak to eachother as thinks im being ridiculous and unreasonable and i dont believe i am.

Part of me is happy that things have come to a hault as i doubt it would ever have gone anyway due to our age difference but im pining for him and have to do it in silence which is so hard. All i want to do is sob but cant without drawing attention to myself and people asking questions. To make matters worse we work in the same building and all i want to do i go and scream at him to vent some of my emotions but wont.

I know its my own fault for starting this but it doesnt stop the hurt

thansk for listening

x

Hi Libby,

Can I just ask where you and your partner are now?  Now you've stopped your affair, what do you want to happen now? It seems as though you've stopped because your affair partner wasn't fulfilling your needs but then neither was your partner if you've been having an affair. 

You mentioned your partner working away for long periods and it seems the affair started as a result of this.  You also said that you wouldn't have gone away with your affair partner because of the age difference so I'm assuming by that, that you wouldn't have wanted to have him 'full time'.

You now have the following options available;

Continue as you have been (after making it up with your affair partner)

Continue to maintain no contact with your affair partner and stop the affair.

The thing is, if you choose the former then you'll be in the same position a few months/weeks down the line and if you choose the latter, it's likely you'll start an affair with someone else if you can't identify WHY you started in the first place.

Do you love your fiance? What do you want to happen now?

Love S xx

Hi
I am sorry you are feeling like this but you have to literally SNAP out of it!
WHat right have you got to "feel your OM does things over and above the call of duty"?!!
He is looking after his partner's children who are still grieving because they lost their mother. Why should he not spend as much time as he wishes with his "children"....how can you even suggest he takes YOU ?! A married woman to social events? You are not his partner and you are not his gf. He owes you nothing. You are just a MW that he is sleeping with to help him get over the loneliness after losing his DP.
So Libby....where does that leave you?
Are you intending to leave your DH?
What about your own children if you have any?
I think you have to face the truth...you ARE being unreasonable , ridiculous and demanding .
Having an affair with a man doesn't suddenly give you any rights. You can only control yourself. You cannot control the OM. You have to decide either to continue trying to lead this double life or to end it and work on your marriage.
Deciding to have an affair means you either respect the etiquette or you become a bunny boiler.

You seem to be on the brink of a nervous breakdown and I think you should seek professional help from counselling.
Vent your feelings here ...just don't make a spectacle at work okay?
Take care
TSx

I am not sure what to tell you. What is going on with you and your fiance?

From what I read the man from your affair was far more important than your fiance. Although the affair is over and leaving your fiance will leave you alone, I think it is what would be right for you and your fiance. With that said I wonder if it was your engagement that made the other man uncomfortable or lack of attachment for you? If you do not have that answer, then you cannot possibly go forward. Closure is a must on both fronts! Keep in mind it takes two to have an affair not one. Even if you made the advance, he could have easily turned you away.

Best of luck. Please keep us updated!

Hi there,

Just a few points to make:

I should imagine that very few couples involved in an affair go out to social events together, affairs are secret liaisons aren't they?

This guy is surely protecting you by not agreeing to take you out with him afterall, it is you who is in a relationship with your fiance where as he has just lost his partner.

Are you jealous of the attention he pays to his children, they have just lost their mother?

This problem, as I see it, is insecurity with yourself, you seem to want more than an affair can offer you and more than your fiance can give. His working away a lot is not an excuse or reason to have an affair.

Take a step back and have a good think about what you want from life, but from your post, and talking from experience, I really do not think carrying on with your affair is the way you should go. An affair will not give you the 100% attention you seem to be looking for, in fact affairs bring minimal attention because they do not become priority in life as there is always something more important

Best of luck

Nutty