Hi, You may remember me, I had an affair with a MW for a year, last six months of which she promised me that she would leave her husband, which eventually she did and moved out into her own place. This was a month ago now. He is unaware of me as a factor in that decision.

Since then she has been very stressed about the whole situation, has a tendency to be quite stand offish with me. Has admitted to at first missing her husband (right at the beginning) and now she says she can sometimes miss 'married life' although assures me that she has no intention of going back to him. But will probably never say 100% that this won't happen. I think there are parts of our relationship that she never got from him, but also vice versa, good parts of their relationship that she doesn't get from me. (she didn't enlighten me to what those were!)

She also sees him a couple of times a week too, which she says because they are still on good terms and obviously they have stuff to sort out. That she still feels responsible for him, and the house that they shared together. She's had to get stuff from the house on some occasions, and doesn't feel she can just rush in and out, so has spent the evening there. A friend of mine happened to be in the same restaurant as her last week, when she went to dinner with him to sort out finances. My friend says that to her it looked like two friends having dinner. They didn't look sad, nor were they holding hands, kissing or anything like that. Just platonic. (MW wouldn't of known she was my friend) In fact, I know that after dinner, he went home. Leaving her in town afterwards by herself. That doesn't sound like a 'date' type meeting to me.

I know she can have feelings of guilt for seeing me, knowing her ex is at home feeling sad and alone. Apparently he is not doing too well post split. I don't think she feels she can just walk away and leave him in his misery.

So I guess that's all pretty negative so far. However, she is going full steam ahead with decorating and furnishing her new home. Spending a lot of money, and getting it all done just to her liking. It feels like she is planning to be there for the long term and making it her home. She makes a fair effort to see me a lot. And we have plenty of plans together for the next few weekends. Often if I can get her to relax, with a massage, or a hot bath or something, or just have a good talk about things. She's returns back to the affectionate loving girl I fell in love with over the last year. Our sex life has remained brilliant even when she is otherwise tense and distant from me.

But of course I am having issues with her still spending time with him, even if I do believe that it's more than likely platonic. Obviously she still enjoys his company. And it makes me uneasy. It's no secret between us that she sometimes will see him. But she never says when that might be. Leaving me to wonder where she is when she disappears for a period of time. Which I find very hard, and many negative emotions go through my head. Like she is seeing him behind my back. Karma eh?

She's said she doesn't want to rush into anything with me. But by my way of thinking, we've been together for a year now. And being together is the reason that she has put herself through so much crap. Why is she now holding back now?

Anyway. Thought maybe some ladies here had found themselves in similar situations, and could maybe shed some light on things. Have read a few posts from people who have left their husbands, and then had been very upset about it despite it being their desire to do so. It feel very much like my MW is going through the emotions of a break up. Where as I wish she was happy that we could now be together!

It feels like this has been going on for ages. And have to keep reminding myself that it has only been a month. And I always knew that it wouldn't be plain sailing - and would need to give her space etc. I guess I'm not doing too well at that, probably because I begin to question her feelings for me, when she is distant, and spending time with another man! (Her ex)

Any insights or thoughts appreciated! Thank you.

E

Hi E
Are you of similar social and financial standing with this woman?

Has she introduced you to any of her family/friends?

Does she acknowledge your existence in her life in any way besides the secret affair or do you go out as a couple on dates and for dinner etc?

If you can answer these questions then it may shed more light on your situation.

TS x

Hi E.,

I suspect that you and your gf had differing expectations of how your relationship would be post the ending of the marriage...

You perhaps envisaged that she was leaving her marriage for you whereas she most likely left her husband for herself... you may have been the catalyst but somehow from all you've written I even doubt that.

How do the two of you define your relationship now? Have you discussed this?

"But by my way of thinking, we've been together for a year now." No you haven't - being an affair partner in no way equates to being together.

You do need to give her space and non judgemental, non interfering support - and if you're finding this difficult then this says more about you than her... She's not going to welcome you wanting to 'cage' her in any way when she's only a month ago left her previous enclosure.

She is facing a great many changes and from what you say is doing reasonably well given all the conflicting emotions she'll be feeling. She may be seeing her ex husband out of feeling of guilt and pity toward him or she most likely still has genuine feeling of affection for him. It matters not which.

Let her enjoy her newly allowed freedoms - if it's right for you two to be together long term then it'll happen but if you turn out to have been a stepping stone for her then so be it...

IEM

Thanks for your replies,

Twice shy, socially we are equal I would say. Financially she earns a fair bit more than me, although what with two mortgages to pay now, it's me with the spare cash right now. I also have good future prospects.

Her family do not know about me, but I've been introduced to her close friends, who know the situation. As do our many mutual friends. We act as a couple at parties, and there are pictures of us looking very couply all over facebook. So no, she doesn't try to hide us at all. Yes we go out on dates, and dinners, days out, shopping etc etc.

IEM, No, you are right, she did always say that her problems with her husband were entirely separate to me. But that I was the catalyst for her leaving him.
No, we haven't really discussed how we define our relationship now. I wouldn't personally say that we are b/f and g/f but think we both know we're not free to see other people.
Think you are probably right that it's my head that's messing me up rather than anything she's doing. I just remember how she used to be with me, and when that's gone a bit, makes you wonder why. (Even if all the evidence is there!)
I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel that I am trying to 'cage her in'. I like to feel that I am giving her space. She is often the one contacting me. Often her turning up on my doorstep etc. Am happy to see her less, just want when we do spend time together to be as good as it used to be.

E

Morning P,

Not sure if this will be helpful or not to you, but anyway!

Long (very long!) story short - my h left home in Jan this year after a very emotional, rollercoaster 5 year affair with a work colleague. We have 4 children aged 10 to 21 and 1 new grandaughter, so we have had to have contact to discuss visiting etc which initially was very minimal but civil. As the year has gone on we have kind of reached a pleasant "friendship", for want of a better word. It hasnt been easy, but we had been together for a very long time and its quite hard to maintain all of those nasty emotions for any length of time, drags you down a bit!

We probably communicate better now than we did during our marriage, which is odd, and have talked about a lot of things that went wrong and why.

Anyway, my point is. (Im sure there is one....) h and ow have since split up. They have had all of these months to be together as a proper couple, and he now says that her constant demands and insecurities made it impossible to have any kind of decent relationship. Apparently there were ongoing rows about being introduced to his family and children, which i can see from ow side as being a big issue and a sign of commitment from him after such a long time. He says he was never happy about doing that as their relationship was so unstable.There was also jealousy on her part of the time spent with our children and time limits being imposed which he wouldnt give in to. And she didnt like it if he came to our house - God knows what she thought I was doing, washing up in my best Agent Provocateur undies???!!.I realise that I am only hearing his side of the story, but I cant see any point in him lying now as he knows that our relationship is well and truly over.

Your MW will no doubt be going through the emotions involved in any relationship break-up, guilt, grief, etc and since its only been a month those feelings will be quite raw still. Even if the choice was hers, its still a big adjustment to make and will take time to come to terms with. And maybe if she is being a bit distant with you, its not personal.

" I think there are parts of our relationship that she never got from him, but also vice versa, good parts of their relationship that she doesn't get from me." - I think thats true of all affairs, to be honest? Otherwise, if a person had everything they needed from their partner, they wouldnt be looking for it elsewhere?

I think in my h case, the fantasy of the affair, with all of the emotions involved etc, failed to work in reality as during an affair you only see each other on your best behaviour. You get all the best bits of each other, no PMT or bad hair days, no smelly socks to wash, or bickering over who should clean the toilet, or who spent what on the credit card?

Im rambling, sorry!

To sum up, you may have to be patient, i reckon, if you want this to work. You may have been seeing each other for a year but its only recently become a real relationship and clearly MW is dealing with the fallout from her marriage break-up and may not be ready to commit fully to you just yet?

I hope things work out for you

Best wishes xx

PS. What is it with women and decorating/ redecorating after a break-up? Some kind of occupational therapy? My house should look like a show home by now LOL!!!!