Hey all,

Where to begin. I have posted this on another board but figured it fell under this too! So i'll start at the beginning. I'm 25, shy, unconfident
low self esteem, quite possibly depressed & in a battling 3 yr relationship

Ive had a few sexual partners but have such body hangups i find it difficult
so whilst i was single & at uni i invested in some ann summers help, giving me
my first Big O. Anyways i do believe this has caused me never to experience one
from a guy. Admitedely im always tense & nervous no matter what.
So my relationship at the moment got off to a difficult start with nerves on both sides
he drinks losts & works dodgy hours so sex sees a back seat. to the point we went 2 months
without. However, who would want to have sex with a guy who rolls in at 4am smelling
of booze, fags & generally being unclean? that isnt just one time its more often than
i bear to tell you. Somehow im still here, but slowly going insane. I mean insane. He wants it all the time im totally turned off and pressured.
Now ive never had much experience with sex but have enjoyed it, however i dont so much anymore
to the point i believe im gaining a phobia as when i do say no im made to feel really bad.I found all kinds of flirty messages to other girls, even ones he didnt know in this time - although stopped now I lost all my confidence in myself
I dont know what turns me on & have been lazy to explore. Altho i know soft sensual porn
turns me on & also girl on girl. I did once explore alittle & had a chat with a girl online who told
me an erotic novel... although it completely freaked me out due to it being an actual person
& not just a book! I found that it turned me on more than the nasty pounding porn you see & even watch a bit on my own before i was with my boyfriend. Again I find massively weird... id rather be into S&M! Ha!
My boyfriend knows it turns me on & loves it. Claims most girls do?! But have any done what ive done?
Anyways, in my eyes its not cool, I dont want to get those kinds of images to get me going,
i should be thinking about my boyfriend or normal porn! I did think about other guys i was with or men i fantasied
about in previous times but now... nada. So im back to square one... what to think about, what gets
people going? i so want to enjoy sex with my boyfriend but i feel so much anger in the fact of all thats happened
As mentioned im not particularly well, I'm having CBT therapy as my mind goes around in circles.
So you can imagine, how i feel about this problem. My mind keeps blaming my past & sexual turn ons to the
fact my relationship is falling apart & the sex, i dont fancy girls at all just that taboo fantasy gets me. However my head
is doing loop de loops over this & blaming it. Like i said i want to try other things to turn me on.

I mean i dont know what to do about my relationship in general. Its all bringing me to rock bottom
& my head is doing somersaults with all ive just told you. I know i have no confidence but im trying
i even suggested we find my gspot... we did for a bit then its not happened since.

He rolled in drunk today. Im so trapped... I have no friends anymore & certainly dont have any guy friends or flirt buddies anymore.

Any help relationship or sex would be fab.
x

Hi there,

Welcome to the board. I'm glad you found the confidence to post, although im not altogether sure that I will be of much use.

I think your biggest problem is your fella. I think any woman would be utterly turned off by someone rolling in p*ssed and stinking.

I dont think there is anything wrong with what turns you on either. Its a safe form of escapism, and when the man in your life is treating you like shite, is it any wonder that you're not exactly mad for him?

As for the 'Big O' issue, its like anything. It aint gonna happen on it's own, you have to work for it, and I guess you are not really inclined to do that if you basically just do not have any spark of desire for the guy you are having sex with.

I dont know what the rest of your relationship is like, aside from the sex issue, but i think if you were with someone who loved and valued you, and made you feel beautiful, everything else would fall into place.

Stick around, maybe others have had similar experiences?

Hi,

Just read your post and thought I would reply...

Wow what a roller coaster. I think we need to take a big step back and take a breath! lol...

taking the sex element out of it at the moment, how would you rate your realtionship with your bf? you said it who would want to have sex with someone rolling in at 4am drunk? smelling like an ash tray? not many girls... but also why should you? and why should you put up with that sort of behaviour from him? and he has no right to make you feel bad for refusing him!! If he knows you have these nerves and hang ups, then he should be trying his hardest to make it as stress free and pleasant for as he possibly can... not just a drunken quickie when he feels like it!!

OK - so now in regards to the sex and what turns you on... don't be weirded out by what turns you on... that does not define your sexuality... they are fantasy, something you find interesting but would never participate in, like the girl on girl and soft porn there is nothing wrong with finding that a turn on... these apeal more to women because it is ore sensual and appeals to our softer femanine side as apposed to the hard porn that alot of men like - it is very visual and men are visual creatures - they have very little imagination, hence why the story may have turned you on as well it allowed your mind to explore your fantasies... which is completely natural and normal.

Sex is nothing to stress about and nothing to worry about, however I do understand there is a lot of expectation surrounding it... which is often unecessary.

If I were to advise you, I would suggest having a chat with your bf about his behaviour and that you don't find him attractive when he's drunk and stinking, don't be afraid of him!! If he makes a scene then he is not worth you!
Go back to basics and when alone and relaxed start ecploring yourself and your fantiasies and thoughts and see what happens.

Keep posting and good luck!
CharlieB xx