My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 and a half years. We have lived together for most of that time. Over he last year we have only had sex a handfull of times. Whilst he was never the most experimental lover when we first got together our sex life was very satisfying, made me feel close to him and I used to orgasm every time so I guess you could say he was sexually "proficient!"

Now the idea of sex doesn't seem to even register with him. He never initiates sex and rejects my advances if I try which really, really hurts. I have broached the subject but he tells me I'm being silly, says sex is obviously more important to me than it is to him and of course he finds me sexy. But that is not reassuring at all, I'm only 25 (he's 34) and don't want to be in a sexless relationship like an old lady.

I consider myself to be a strong and attractive young woman but this situation is starting to knock my confidence and make me doubt myself. It frustrates me as when I was single I feel I was stronger. Although I'm an intelligent person and don't feel like woman should be defined by their sexual attractiveness, I feel diluted, like I'm losing my identity and I believe that stems from my partners apparent lack of sexual desire towards me.

My partner is very, very affectionate non-sexually and very communicative and supportive and I honestly believe he really loves me. He has made it clear he wants to be with me for the long term and outside of the bedroom we get on extremely well. I just don't know the reason why our sex life has ground to a halt and I don't think he realises how much it bothers me despite me trying to explain it to of.

I have considered the fact that he's bored of me or maybe I'm just not his type. His previous partner was very tall and thin and conservative and I'm shorter with an athletic/curvy figure (UK size 10-12) and more independent and feisty. He assures me that this is not the case. I'm worried that maybe there is a physical/emotional reason for his lack of desire if I raise this concern he becomes defensive and rubbishes the idea.

At the risk of sounding graphic when we were having sex frequently he never used to come inside me, he always pulled out at the crucial moment. I found this a bit odd as I'm on the pill and it made me feel a bit detached from him after sex but I never mentioned it. I think he might be a bit of a prude as he finds pornography, sex toys, one night stands etc disgusting and/or comical. I would not describe him as being particularly traditional or conservative in his views of life though. I'm not expecting kinky and wild sex, just healthy, frequent lovemaking to feel close to him and express how we feel about each other.

I have a fairly high sex drive and would have sex with him every day if I could. Once every two months does not satisfy me. I think if we don't sort out this problem it will create a rift in an otherwise very happy relationship. I try to be sensitive to his feelings and don't demand sex or pressure him.

...AND he's definitely not gay or getting it elsewhere and I don't think our relationship is platonic. We are in love so I have no explanation.......

Sorry this post is so long but I'm feeling quite low thought it would be cathartic to express how I'm feeling and I would really appreciate any comments or advice.

Hi There and Welcome to the board.

After reading your post I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation as it seems that overall your relationship with your Bf is very good.

It is frustrating when you have the higher sex drive and are not being full filled and yes that can lead to feeling distant and rejected and also a little resentful which is damaging to you as an individual as your confidence gets knocked and you start feeling unattractive and wondering what is wrong with you then your relationship is impacted and as time goes by you may find you are pulling away from him and pulling away from any affection.

It is hard to talk to them as well as they just don't understand why we link sex to being an important part of a relationship, but certainly for me I see it as another way of showing my love and commitment to my partner.

moving on my initial thought also is that he is much older then you and as a we get older our sex drives do get lower, so it may also be that.

Unfortunately I have no miracle idea or cure for this... It is up to you if you can live like this and how much your willing to compromise, and also how much of a deal breaker this is for you.

Good Luck
CharlieB xx

An interesting thought... but isn't that just cheating on a partner and causing unnecessary hurt... and not really looking at the problem...?

CharlieB xx