Hiya everyone, I just joined today because I really need to talk about this issue I have.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I love him to bits, and he loves me. I have always wished he was more attentive, affectionate and romantic which I have told him several times over the years. I first told him I felt he wasn't putting in enough effort about 2.5 years ago, and several times it's been an issue since then. It doesn't really get much better I think I just have times where it really bothers me (like right now) and times where I tolerate it (but should I even be feeling like I can tolerate it?!). Even something as small as getting a text that's not our once a day routine phone call, you know? I make a big effort with him but it doesn't even seem to be apprecaited.

Another big issue is our completely out of sync sex drives. I have always had a higher sex drive than him but recently I feel that my needs are no being met at all no matter how much effort I put in (and I consider once a week to be accetable, btw!). If I try to talk about it, which I have done numerous times it gets us no where. He never initiates sex, in fact I can't even remember the last time he did. If I hold off for a bit and don't ask for it he doesn't seem to notice. He has said he doesn't like it when it feels routine, which is hard given the times we can see each other, but even when it's spontanious he isn't bothered. He is a good bloke, he's got a good heart and I know he loves me, but right now I am feeling so disheartened and I am tried of feeling unsatisfied. I spend half my time with him thinking, "For Gods sake, do something instead of just sitting there glued to the telly." I have tried getting him to do different things with me, ice skating, picnics etc. half the time it's a struggle to get him out for an ice cream. I try and try and I just keep feeling like I'm sat with a best friend not my boyfriend. We love each other to bits and want to get married in a few years, but I am just thinking in a few years I might be so miserable and fed up if things don't change.

Talking obviously isn't going to work. What else can I try? Feeling so miserable about it today! My best friend has suggested just cooling it off for a while and stop running after him and making the effort, he will do it himself.

Any thoughts?
:(

Thanks to anyone who reads this!

Hi, and welcome to the board!

I am on the way out to work, but I will reply properly when I get in. I just wanted to let you know i have read your message and will respond xx

Hi there

read your message and can totally feel your pain! so know where you are at, it is totally destroying! I put up with similar situation for about 5 years and then was in such despair didnt know where to go and as a normally confident happy person felt unable to cope with anything.. even though my husband tells me he loves me and occasionally does a random text, once a month or was quite tactile but not sexually got him to go to relate with me.

the only thing it solved for me was that when he talked to someone (cos believe me i had tried! and cried!) I actually felt loved, the things he told the counsellor was amazing, music to my ears. So the counsellor had me agreeing that love was important not Sex!

I had tried to back off (that sort of works for a while then goes back round in a circle) tried everything and the counselling at relate did help for a while.  She told me to concentrate on the good things he did instead of the negative ones, which are so easy to find when you feel soo unwanted.

I suppose the our sex life improved without me asking for it but I was suffering big time whilst waiting but not as bad as before, infact this greatly improved but ... this is still soo not sorted.

but I really suggest you go and talk to someone about this together especially if you are marrying him cos it will only get worse, and talking will allow you to hear his thoughts which they cleverly get out of them where we have failed..

Good luck, sooo know how you feel

M x

Wow! that surprised me Scoobabe!!!

I totally understand, absolutely love my husband but just couldnt cope without sex! Am addicted! luckily I have an amazing guy I work with -like minded and we have great sex anytime i want, my husband has no idea, there are no strings attached and without it I think I would have gone under!!!! Its made me marginally easier to live with (I think) for my husband cos we are not arguing about it anymore.... I still love my husband to bits and still wonder if it can work out, I know for a fact if he needed sex like I do he would do the same!!!! he has said so, but he doesnt need to cos he can have it when he wants.....

Even so, even though i am getting the sex i need, I still long to be wanted by my husband and when we have long gaps between sex all the old problems re-appear,  so i need to be wanted by him cos I love him, and getting sex its great for me physcially and great for my esteem and confidence and all those things my hubby destroyed in me but I need him to want me. 

Realistically can this work - not sure cos its not a good situation at all!

Thanks for your response - love the way it works for you.

M